Envision a helicopter, full of supplies.
Imagine it dipping and swooping, hovering over a soldier on the battlefield. If the solider forgets something important, it drops the necessary item. If the soldier is in trouble, it swoops him up and rescues him. If the soldier is facing difficult combat, it dives in and destroys the enemy on site. A handy asset for any soldier, right?
Not if the soldier is a child, and the helicopter is her parent. That’s because children need to experience the natural consequences of their actions. If you hover over your child, rescuing her from consequences, you are doing her a disservice. Of course this may not apply to a severely disabled child who needs constant physical care. But for a child who is behaviorally-disordered, or struggles with ADHD, etc., natural consequences teach in a way that words just can’t.
For example, if your child repeatedly forgets his lunch and then calls you at home, “Mom, can you bring my lunch?” The child feels no compulsion to remember his lunch because if he forgets, the helicopter will supply it.
If your child is late every morning for school, she likely doesn’t feel enough concern over the consequences of being late. Why should she? The helicopter will whisk her off whenever she’s ready to go, and then provide her with an excuse at the office.
If your son or daughter repeatedly gets into trouble at school for combative behaviors with other students, perhaps the helicopter parent (you) is swooping down and arguing with the school staff, “My child can’t help it,” or “Kids will be kids.”
Preparing Kids for the Real World
As parents, we want to protect our children. This is a natural tendency—perfectly understandable. But rescuing our kids from consequences robs them of important lessons they will need to live successful lives. For adults, there is no helicopter (or at least there shouldn’t be). When adults are late, they miss their appointment, or irritate others. When adults forget something, they do without. When adults assault others, they go to jail. This is the hard reality of being a grown-up. The overly-protected child who doesn’t learn these lessons will be ill-equipped for the real world.
Natural Consequences
The concept of natural consequences is not to punish a child, but simply to allow her to experience the negative results of her actions. There is no need to exaggerate these results, humiliate, or lecture. The consequences do the teaching.
My rule of thumb is that one goof is acceptable. But when the behavior repeats itself, it’s time for natural consequences to go into play. When the child who forgets his lunch phones, a good response would be, “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to bring it to you today. But you can have a sandwich after school.”
Now for us parents, this feels wrong. It goes against our instinct. But…what about my poor child who will be hungry at school? Isn’t that abusive, to allow him to go without eating? I can’t do it! I’ve got to swoop in and rescue!
Your child will live. He will be uncomfortable, and he’ll feel hunger. These are the natural consequences of forgetting his lunch. Let him experience this, as hard as it may seem. I can almost guarantee after one day of being hungry at lunch, your child will not forget to bring it again. If the school phones, explain that your child has been repeatedly forgetting his lunch and you simply must have him go without one day to teach him through natural consequences. Suggest that they give him an apple from the cafeteria and you will reimburse them.
Putting the Helicopter out of Service
A year ago, I was having a problem with one of my daughters, who was repeatedly late for school. Morning after morning, she dawdled and took her sweet time, making the other kids late. For several mornings, I even made two trips, driving the other children to school and then making a special trip for her. I was being a helicopter mom.
Finally I said, “The next time you are late, you will walk to school.” We lived a good distance from school, and I assumed this would persuade her to get ready more quickly. It didn’t. The next morning my daughter was just as slow as usual. I took the other children to school without her. When I returned, I found her standing in the doorway, waiting for the helicopter to take her to school. But the helicopter was out of service for the day.
“I have to walk? But it’s so far! And what about strangers? It’s not safe for me to walk alone to school! You need to drive me! It’s not fair! I don’t want to walk to school!”
She walked, crying the whole way. I know, because I drove behind her at a slow pace. It seems ridiculous, but it worked. She walked seven blocks to school, and she was never late again.