I find that when I talk to new parents—whether they are partnered or single parents—one of the first and main topics that come up is how to find time to be alone. Not alone “as a couple” but genuine, all-by-ourselves, no one hanging on us or asking for anything alone time. Well, sometimes it just isn’t possible…
One thing that has helped me over the years is realizing that “alone time” is somewhat culturally constructed. Different societies, tribes, and cultures have different ideas about being alone. There are those societies where the children are either strapped to, or attached to the parents continuously until they are older. There are societies where entire families live all together in a small hut or house and it never really dawns on anyone that they might want to be alone.
Now, granted we are NOT one of those societies and many of us are raised to expect plenty of alone time. We may have always had our own bedroom (I didn’t get my own bedroom all to myself until I became a single parent!), or had several years of independence before we became parents. We are used to being able to eat at our own pace when we are hungry, wander off to a book store if we want to, and sit alone with our thoughts or projects without interruptions. One of the first things that single parents learn is that those days are SO long gone!
We can either fight the reality and grumble about our lack of alone time, or we can find a way to adjust and accommodate. We probably have to get used to the fact that we are going to have a lot less time alone to ourselves, but we don’t have to give the dream up all together. We can squeeze in “our time” with sitters, self-care, and little windows of alone time. But, we might also have to adjust to the fact that as a single parent, we are going to be called upon to be available and provide the bulk of the affection, care, stimulation, and support for our children for years to come.
Also: Are You Trying to Recreate or Create the Unattainable Fantasy?
Never Underestimate the Power of Baths and Naps
Separating Yourself from the Role of Parent Once in a While