My mother and her ex husband had one of those nasty drawn out divorces. It took four years before it was finalized and they were in court constantly. After going through my own divorce, which went rather smoothly and was finalized in six weeks, it was hard for me to imagine what she had gone through. It was a time she wishes she could erase from her memory. How she was able to go on day after day is beyond me, but somehow she did it.
There has been very little contact between them since. When Kent comes to pick up my little brother he waits in the car until Bryan comes out. When they need to switch weekends my mother writes a letter. Being in the same room together tension is high. My mother has been through a lot at the hands of that man. She has watched the effect he has had on her children; watched not one, but two of her children get protective orders from him. She has more than enough to be angry for a lifetime.
Last night my little sister got married. Kent’s family came to support Jessica on her special day, though it has been several years since any of them have seen her. As each of them came through the line my mother reached out to shake each of their hands, smiled, and tried to make small talk. She even reached out to Kent, the one who had cause her and her children so much pain over the past fifteen years. After watching my children go through something like that I’m not sure I would have been so kind.
I’ve talked to her about this often. I’ve asked her how she was able to set those things aside and forgive him for what he had done to her and her children. She has reminded me that just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean that you have forgotten. Holding on to it ends up hurting you so much more than it hurts them. It gives them control over you. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did was ok, it just means that you are letting go of it, that you aren’t going to let it control you anymore.
I admire my mother so much for being willing to forgive someone who has caused her and her family so much pain and being willing to reach out to them even though she had every reason in the world not to. When we are able to forgive in situations like these it shows our children strength. It shows them that they can move on even when people haven’t always treated them right. It teaches them of the great inner peace that forgiving can bring.