If you’re perfectly happy without a partner, if love and romance aren’t that important to you, then I’m not writing this for you. In fact, I’m happy for you!
But if you’ve known love and companionship — if you long to reexperience those joys — and if both are absent from your life this Valentine’s Day, then this is for you.
After my husband died almost 10 years ago, I HATED Valentine’s Day. If it were just one day, it wouldn’t be so bad; but when they start putting out the candy and cards the day after Christmas, it becomes a prolonged form of torture. Whoever invented “greeting card” occasions obviously didn’t consider the hurt they cause when it seems that the whole world is celebrating things that have been painfully taken from many of us.
Of course I cherish (and have saved) every handmade Valentine’s Day card my son ever gave me. His tender declarations of love for “Mom” touched me then and always will.
But Valentine’s Day is for lovers; and though we may have adjusted to and accepted our current situations, and often find delight in our day-to-day lives, all the artificial fuss over this one day can feel like salt in our healing wounds.
So there are two things I want to say to those of us who find it depressing to be continually reminded of what we don’t have on Valentine’s Day:
• Don’t Feel Guilty About Feeling Bad
Feeling bad on Valentine’s Day DOES NOT MEAN that we begrudge people who are blissfully partnered. We don’t! It’s just that the bombardment we’re subjected to in the leadup to Valentine’s Day makes us miss what we once had; or upset about the way things ended; or worry that we may never find lasting love; or think that we’re somehow unlovable. What’s wrong with me? Everyone else has someone except me. (We tend to exaggerate wildly when we’re in this kind of mood.)
Bottom line? You feel what you feel (as my therapist always tells me); it’s not good or bad, right or wrong. It just is. Don’t make things worse by condemning yourself for your feelings about Valentine’s Day. Better to let yourself feel whatever it is you feel; the day will come and go and you’ll get through it. You’ll emerge, intact and stronger, on the other side.
• Shift Your Focus
Easier said than done, I know, but try to focus on the gifts you have been given in this phase of your life. Absolutely no one has a perfect life, including the loving couples you envy on Valentine’s Day. Did you ever stop to think that those couples may envy something about you?
If this helps you, think about what you have that they don’t. One big thing, I think, is freedom: freedom to make your own decisions, your own schedule, your own plans, even something as simple (and fun!) as the freedom to decorate your home the way you like it!
Then take a minute to compliment yourself for the things you’ve done with those freedoms. Appreciate how your “singleness” has given you the chance to evolve into who you are today. Do you like – do you admire – the person you are now more than the person you were when you were coupled? If you do, then you can thank your time alone for that.
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For people who aren’t single by choice, Valentine’s Day will never be easy. Although we may not be able to change our circumstances, we can help ourselves by adjusting the things we can change – our thoughts, our perspectives, and our attitudes.