Yesterday we looked at the Explosion phase in the Cycle of Violence. 
Following the explosion, the perpetrator goes into a psychological deep period of deep remorse. At this stage, the remorse often appears genuine. They come home, look around them, and see the damage they have caused, the fear or disgust in the eyes of their family. The perpetrator commonly feels desperate and ashamed.
Typical responses from the perpetrator may be:
• “Why do you stay with me? I’m such a loser.”
• “I am so sorry. I love you. I will never do that again. I don’t know what came over me. Please don’t leave me. I am nothing without you.”
• “You guys are the best family a man can ever ask for. Come here. I’m sorry. I love you.”
• “Darling, please forgive me. I promise I’ll change. I’ll stop drinking.”
The victim of the violence loves to hear these words of remorse. They may still be angry and hurt but will often also think, “I knew it! He didn’t mean it. He does love me. If I can just keep the peace everything will be alright.”
The Cycle of Violence gladly sucks the victim into it. Caught in the game, she wants to believe her partner. She doesn’t want to break up the family. She wants a good relationship and this time he’s so sorry that there may be a good chance to mend their difficulties. The victim doesn’t realize this is a stage that will lead straight to more violence. Unless the perpetrator seeks professional help in breaking his pattern of behavior there may be little hope for the relationship and ongoing physical and psychological safety of household members.
Look at the words the perpetrator has used. Nowhere has he taken full responsibility for his bad behavior. He is unable to name it as abuse and is quick to make himself look like the victim, “I am nothing without you.” He blames other factors, “I’ll stop drinking”, and locates the responsibility for his actions outside of himself.
Don’t be fooled by this stage. We all like to hear an apology after we’ve been wronged but the stage of Remorse is not an apology, despite how genuine it appears to be. The stage of Remorse is exactly that: a STAGE in the Cycle of Violence.
Tomorrow we’ll look at the tactics employed in Buyback. Remorse and Buyback are closely linked. They often overlap and it can be difficult to recognize which stage is happening. They’re both such seductive stages that we may become tricked by them and fall further into unwittingly reinforcing the Cycle of Violence and putting ourselves and our children at risk.
Have you experienced a domestic violent incident where the perpetrator HAS taken full responsibility in the Remorse stage? If you’re willing to share your story, I’d love to hear some positive experiences of men breaking the cycle and getting help for themselves.