Praising our kids is a good thing to do. But too much or the wrong type of praise can sometimes actually be counter-productive. In his book, The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy, Children, John Redmond cautions parents about the pitfalls of praise.
Redmond says that most parents feel our kids need a lot of praise and that all praise is good. Both of these assumptions are false, he says. Our kids do need praise but not as much as many of us think. Furthermore, praise can me either constructive or destructive. As an example he cites a study where researchers observed a group of twenty 5-year-olds (two groups of ten) at play. Each group was taken separately into a large play area and in the middle of the room was a table with tons of art supplies. As the kids from the first group worked, the teachers moved around over-praising their work— holding their work up for everyone to see, gushing with enthusiasm, etc. When the second group had their turn the teachers busied themselves doing other things. They periodically asked if anyone needed help and if a child brought their work to them they offered warm words and that was it.
The following day the kids were brought back into the room and told they could have one hour of free play. The kids from the first group “avoided the art table like it was contaminated.” The researchers concluded that too much praise can be negative and cause kids to actually avoid the activities and people associated with it.
He goes on to describe two types of praise: evaluative and descriptive. He says evaluative praise is judgmental and personal. If Tyler comes to me with a picture he’s drawn, for instance, and I go on about how he’s a little Picasso and the best artist in the world and how he’s such a joy and on and on, this type of praise is not good. What it does is it takes away the child’s right to be imperfect, according to Redmond. What we do is set the child up to unreasonable high standards.
The second type of praise, descriptive, is a better way of offering praise. It’s a simple acknowledgement of an accomplishment. If Tyler brings me that same picture that he has drawn, I can effectively praise him by simply stating that I like it or that I can see he put a lot of effort into his work, etc. But there’s no reason for me to throw a party; that would be over doing it.
Finally, he says that like sugar, praise is habit-forming and that some kids who are praised excessively develop a dependence on outside approval for everything they do. He cites as an example the hullabaloo some parents make when kids use the potty. We should praise them, yes, but there shouldn’t be any fanfare like some “experts” advise. So the thing we should remember to do when giving praise is to be sincere and not over do it.
See also:
Using Brain-dead Phrases To Nip Power Struggles In the Bud
The 3 C’s Of Effective Communication