You are probably familiar with the “Three R’s” of education: Reading, wRiting, and aRithmetic. Well I have come up with the “Three R’s” of marriage: Respond, React and Retreat.
The only difference is that with my three R’s, there is just one that works well in a marriage. Can you guess which one?
I don’t know if anyone else can relate but I tend to be a reactor. I have been working on this for several years and while I have gotten a lot better, it can still be an issue that creeps up.
Sometimes when people react it is done in an aggressive manner but we can also do it passively. Even if we don’t outwardly demonstrate it toward our spouse, we may be thinking it inside.
For instance, when we were first married every time my husband was in a bad mood I immediately reacted within. I would automatically think to myself that he was unhappy with me. There must be something I have done wrong. And too often I would later find out that it had nothing to do with me.
Reactions are done without thinking, without taking the time to assess the situation and this can be really dangerous. Accusing your spouse of doing something wrong when you really have no proof and you are reacting to instinct isn’t a good idea.
Reacting causes your spouse to do the third “R”…retreat. It is not easy to have open lines of communication when one is on the attack mode. The other will naturally become defensive and retreat.
When your spouse retreats, things shut down and a wall between you begins to grow. This is also dangerous.
The right “R” is to respond. Responding is based on taking the time to think through what you are going to say or do. You are rational and calm. When you choose to respond your spouse is more likely to engage in a healthy dialogue.
So remember the three “R’s” of marriage and focus on becoming a responder instead of a reactor so that your spouse doesn’t retreat.
Related Articles:
The Makings of a Good Marriage
Weathering the Seasons of Marriage