Yes, this is a marriage blog and I rarely talk about divorce here, but let’s be honest – divorce is the sad post-mortem to a dead marriage. So let’s look at a few divorce myths as we talk about our July 10th top ten divorce myths.
Second Marriages Are More Successful
Divorce rates are often higher for remarriages than they are for first marriages. The myth is that most people who have been married and divorced have learned from this negative experience and are more likely to be successful in their second attempt. Unfortunately, statistics do not bear that out.
Cohabitation Before Marriage Reduces Divorce
When you cohabitate before you get married, you will reduce your chances of getting divorce because you will already be used to each other’s issues and personal flaws. Unfortunately, statistics indicate that people who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to divorce though many experts cannot agree on why. It’s thought that people who live together have an attitude that relationships are temporary – though that’s not totally conclusive.
Divorce Affects Children Only Slightly
There’s been worry for decades about the effects of divorce on children. There is evidence that problems can be both long-term and short-term. They can have small effects and others that are more long lasting. Children of divorce may also be more likely to divorce because they have no developed the coping skills to sustain a long-term relationship.
Children Improve Marital Satisfaction
Here’s a huge myth – if your marriage has problems, having a child will hardly improve your relationship – in fact – it will likely make it worse. You see – having a baby is extremely stressful physically, emotionally and financially. If there are splinters and fractures in the relationship – a baby can emphasize and expand those fractures – not repair them.
Standards of Living Drop Severely for Women After a Divorce
This may have been true thirty or forty years ago, but the modern inequity is hardly as dramatic as it once was. This may be attributed to the fact that more women are in the work force both before and during their marriages.
Children are better off with divorced parents than parents who fight
Let me be clear on this – if a couple are in an extremely abusive relationship – then yes – children are likely better off with their parents divorcing. But even great marriages have disagreements. One positive effect a parent’s fighting may have on their children is if they learn their own coping skills and how to fight fairly and to listen and resolve their differences in a peaceful manner. It’s up to the parents to develop these skills.
Children of Divorce are more likely to not Divorce
Children of divorce unfortunately have a higher rate of divorce themselves. This is because they have learned about marital commitment and longevity from their own parents. I reflect on this myth strongly because a single mother raised me with no father in evidence. They were never married, never divorced and hew as a total non-presence in my life. It makes me think carefully on all my relationship views because I have very few healthy marriages to model my own after.
Children Are Better off in Step-Families than in Single Families
I’m not knocking either one – the stepfamily is not greater than the single-parent family. Children are better off if they are loved, respected and thought well of. They need positive relationships with all members of their family. It’s important for divorcing parents to maintain a healthy level of communication so that their children feel loved and comfortable with both.
If you are unhappy, you will likely divorce
Sorry, just being unhappy one day does not make you a candidate for lithium or clinically depressed. Marriages have life cycles too and some periods may be more stressful than others. I have been very unhappy one day and had a blast the next. Just being unhappy is not a predictor of divorce.
Men are More Likely to Ask for a Divorce
Sorry ladies, this one is definitely on us. In two-thirds of divorces filed, it’s usually the wife who initiates the proceedings. Men are more likely to be badly behaved and experience issues such as alcohol or drug abuse as well as infidelity.
Are there any myths of divorce you know about and have seen debunked?
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