Five Ways to Deal With a Power-Hungry Child

If a child misbehaves because he craves attention, but can’t get a satisfying result, he will often move to the mistaken goal of seeking power.

In my previous blog I listed the four basic mistaken goals children have which lead to misbehavior:

1. Seeking Attention.
2. Seeking Power.
3. Seeking Revenge.
4. Seeking Emotional Isolation.

The Child Who Craves Power

Each of the above mistaken goals are the child’s misguided way of trying to belong. All children want to belong, to be accepted, to fit in, and to be loved. The child who wants power makes the erroneous assumption that if he defies adults or authority, he matters. Something about engaging in a power struggle makes him feel important. This child believes that if he isn’t allowed to do as he wants, he isn’t approved of. A power-hungry child is one who will provoke arguments, refuse to obey, throw tantrums, tell lies, and get mouthy and disrespectful to the adults in charge of him. He wants everything to be HIS way, but even if he can’t win the argument he feels important for having been a part of it. Your son or daughter might seek the laughter or approval of peers by showing disrespect to authority. If your child openly defies you by refusing to obey, and looks at you with a smug, what-are-you-going-to-do-about-it expression, that’s power-seeking.

Another way to know whether your child is motivated by the need for power is to ask yourself, “How does the misbehavior make me feel?” If the answer is that you feel threatened and disrespected, then power-seeking is the likely cause.

Here are five ways you can deal with a power-hungry child:

1. Refuse to engage in power struggles. That means you should not enter arguments in any way whatsoever. The temptation to “show her I know more than she does,” or “not let her get the last word,” is very strong, but resist that urge. Say, “We can discuss this after dinner, if you are calm.” Don’t say anything else, no matter how hard your child tries to make you unravel. It’s impossible for a child to argue with himself. Use discipline if necessary, but do it in a silent, stoic, immediate fashion. Refuse to participate in any hostile verbal exchanges.
2. Provide opportunities for responsibility. Tell your child, “It seems like we’re having trouble sharing the markers and crayons. Would you be in charge of dividing them up evenly?” Often when the child sees she is trusted and has an important job, she will rise to the challenge. A job well-done should be praised. Now the child is finding acceptance and belonging by appropriate uses of power.
3. Openly approach the problem-behavior. Address the matter with your child in a direct, no-nonsense way. “I can’t allow you to bully your younger sister that way. Can you think of a fun activity you could do that doesn’t involve your sister?” Ask the child what he or she suggests might help the situation. This is giving the child a feeling of control and power as you display some trust that he can come up with a solution.
4. Offer choices. A child who feels he can make a choice has a sense of power and control. Rather than say, “You must do the dishes,” say, “You can set the table before dinner, or clear the table afterwards. Or…you can unload the dishwasher right now.” Often the presentation of choices will calm the child down as she contemplates which option she wants. And additionally, she feels more powerful. To read more about this technique, click on the “Offer Choices” link.
5. Remove privileges from the group. As a last resort, a teacher might say, “We will all be missing recess because of the disrespect being shown in this classroom.” Now the child’s power struggle with the teacher is diffused because he has been placed at odds with his peers. At home, a parent might say, “We are not going to get ice cream because Michael has used bad language.” The child who wanted to pit himself against one adult now finds himself in the awkward situation of offending the whole family group. It feels unfair to punish everyone else, but they’ll live. Besides, this should be a rare occurrence. This tactic works in prisons, when one prisoner commits a crime against a security officer. The entire section of prisoners is locked down for an extended time period. Soon word gets out who caused the lockdown. Now the prisoner is at odds with not only the prison officials, but all his fellow inmates. It can be a very effective deterrent to misbehavior. Plus, it sends a loud message to everyone else not to imitate the actions. A child who is openly defiant and power-seeking may respond well to this method.

Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.