It often starts off with good intentions, but those intentions can damage a marriage with their consequences far more than the liar can imagine. You’ve likely heard the story before – the wife goes to see a therapist because she is dealing with issues from her past, but she doesn’t tell her husband. When he becomes suspicious of her regular absences, their trust is damaged because he has to find out on his own. The husband who doesn’t tell the wife there is a problem until their savings account is drained because he thought he could fix it and then he just wanted to protect her from the harsh reality.
Blindsided
Lies like these can blindside a marriage and these complex lies are often built around the premise that one partner is telling the lie or protecting a secret in order to prevent their spouse from suffering pain. The truth is though – when you begin to tell lies to protect a secret – you are protecting yourself from a sense of shame or personal guilt.
The husband that doesn’t tell the wife about the truth of the finances may tell himself he is trying to prevent her from hurting or worrying, but what he is doing is protecting his own sense of shame at letting the situation get to where it is – whether that shame is based in reality or not. A couple needs to work together in order to whether situations, when one person keeps things from the other – they are closing the window of communication between them and they are creating an escalating and potentially complex lie that can damage the marriage irreparably.
The Truth Can Destroy a Marriage
If a spouse really feels like the truth could destroy their marriage – then there is not only a lie going on but something wrong within the dynamic of the marriage. Usually the spouse who tells a lie is creating a delusion for themselves that they will never be caught and they will never have to come clean with their spouse on what is going on.
Typically, these types of complex lies are money related and whether it’s a gambling addiction that spawns the lies or a spouse’s inability to look at the finances – i.e. when a couple designates one partner to handle all of the money and the other partner never looks at them. It can even happen when a dual income couple elects to keep separate finances from each other.
Avoiding discussing negative issues with each other is a huge problem in most marriages. You need to be able to share with each other both of your negatives and your positives. You have to be able to share both your disappointments and your successes. You need to express when you are happy and when you are afraid. When you bury any one side of this to present a one-sided coin to your spouse – you are going to find your marriage troubled because a façade can only last so long.
Don’t Hide the Bad News
It’s hard to learn that hiding the bad news doesn’t help – even if it hurts a little now or causes worry now – the destruction of trust and faith is far worse. If you are keeping a secret or your spouse reveals such a secret, the best thing to do is find a therapist to who is experienced in working with couples and to begin working on rebuilding your trust. When you reveal a secret or a secret is revealed to you – there is bound to be some pain and feelings of betrayal – but it’s important to look at it as an opportunity for both of you to experience acceptance.
Have you ever dealt with a complex lie in your marriage?
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