So many people go into marriage, thinking, “He’s not perfect, but I’ll change what I don’t like.” Men also think this way about women. The fact is none of us can simply force another person to change. We can’t just demand it, nor should we try.
Instead, we often use subtler tactics such as manipulation, or we try to intimidate our spouses to behave as we think they should. However, if we use those tactics, we will find our mates changing, but that doesn’t mean it will be a good thing.
If you were attracted to your wife because she was so sensitive, but you’ve managed to “toughen her up,” you may find that she isn’t as attractive to you as she once was. You’ve stifled that part of her by belittling her feelings or being harsh with her, and now when you want a sensitive response, it isn’t forthcoming. Congratulations. You got exactly what you wanted.
Women do the same thing, and then find that their husbands aren’t as appealing. That is what happens in too many marriages. A trait that seems endearing or attractive becomes something that we need to change or “fix.” The only problem is that if we succeed in getting rid of that trait or stifling it, we begin to lose our attraction for our husband or wife.
“You’ve changed.”
“We’ve changed.”
“We are growing apart.”
“You are not the same person I married.”
“I don’t know you any more.”
“I don’t feel close to you.”
We need to stop trying to change our spouses, and work on our marriage as a whole. We both bring unique insights, perspectives, talents, traits, and knowledge to the relationship. We should learn to develop those things as a couple, instead of picking apart personality traits that make our spouses who they are. Remember, who he or she is, is the person you fell in love with-and married-for a reason.