While strictly structuring a marriage like an equal partnership works for some people, it may not work as well for others. The key is finding a balance that makes both spouses happy. Perhaps fairness is a more appropriate term than equality. Think about it.
Do you really want everything in your marriage to be 100% equal? When confronted with the idea that everything should be identical, exactly the same, most people do not. Most people actually prefer that each spouse uses his or her unique abilities and talents to complement those of the other person. They want a fair exchange, rather than absolute equality.
Your husband may be a great cook, while your abilities in the kitchen consist of making grilled cheese or hamburgers. Are “equal” cooking chores really ideal, or would it be better to make a fair trade? Perhaps you can clean up on the nights that your husband cooks, and you can cook occasionally and he can clean up afterward. It still amounts to “equal” treatment, or fairness.
Responsibilities, decision making, and money are often the main areas in which equality or fairness is most important. Attempting to insure that both spouses share responsibilities, make decisions together with equal input, and that money is divided fairly -no matter who makes more (or all) of it- are frequently issues that disrupt the concept of equality.
While these issues are not always going to be utterly equal in every relationship, it is imperative that a compromise, a fair solution or balance be reached so that each spouse feels equally as important as the other.
The cooking example addresses one aspect of responsibilities. Decision making can be a bit more challenging. In this instance it makes sense to allow the person with the greater aptitude regarding a particular situation at hand to take the lead, but that does not mean the other spouse has no say in the matter. It also requires that the other spouse be given the same consideration in issues of his or her expertise.
Finding a fair balance when it comes to money may prove the most difficult, especially if one spouse makes all the income or the largest income. The happiest marriages are generally those that don’t divide money or material possessions into yours and mine, but view it as ours, sharing fairly.
Just because one spouse does the largest part of the earning, does not mean that he or she is entitled to greater rewards. The other spouse does contribute to that person’s ability to make money, by caring for the children if there are children, paying the bills, making the home a comfortable place to rest and relax, making sure the other has clean clothing for work, and in many other assorted ways.