Even more than average children, the special-needs child requires appropriate discipline. I like to point to the example of Helen Keller, who as a blind and deaf child was initially allowed to roam freely in her house, eating off people’s plates, breaking and throwing things at will. Her amazing transformation into an intellectually gifted adult could not have happened without regulations and order. Without discipline, your child’s world is more frightening, more chaotic, and more challenging. Appropriate discipline is an act of love.
The question is, how do we discipline a child with a disability?
1. Know your child’s motivators.
What does your child love most? Candy? Favorite books? Video games? Movies? What are his interests? These are the privileges your child will earn with appropriate behaviors, and will lose with inappropriate behaviors.
2. Create simple house rules and discuss them together.
Have a family meeting where “family rules” are created. Simplify them according to the cognitive ability of your child. For example, a rule such as “No yelling or screaming when you’re inside the house,” could be simplified to “Indoor Voice.” Don’t overwhelm your child with too many rules at first. Find ten that would cover the most problem behaviors. Later you can build from there.
3. Give positive reinforcement for good behaviors.
I think this is a step in discipline that is often overlooked, and yet can be the most effective. When your child hangs up her coat instead of dropping it on the floor, she should be praised. “That makes Mommy happy when you hang up your coat! Good Job!” Special-needs children often do well with charts, and you could give stars when the child behaves well. Five stars could earn time playing her favorite video game.
4. When your child misbehaves, give one rule reminder.
At first, give your child a warning, but no more than one. “Remember our rule about jumping on furniture?” If the child ignores the warning, move to step number five.
5. Give negative reinforcement for bad behaviors.
Some say it’s outdated, but the good old “timeout,” works wonders. I’ve also heard it called the “naughty stool,” or “think time.” Choose the most natural term for you, but designate a chair or place in your house where the child must sit and think about his behavior. He should not have access to toys or television. Keep him isolated and apart from the action of the house, but close enough for you to observe him. Do not talk to him except to say he must sit in think time for 5 minutes (or longer for older children). If he leaves the seat, put him back and increase his time. “Now it’s ten minutes. Now it’s fifteen.” Use a timer that shows minutes counting down as he sits in the chair. If he yells or misbehaves in time out, start the timer over again. He must sit quietly in the chair for the allotted time. Be firm. (To learn what to do when your child misbehaves in a store or public place, read my previous blog: When Your Child Tantrums in Public: 4 Steps to Regain Control.”)
6. Be consistent.
If you threaten without following through, your child will learn to disrespect and ignore you. You must follow through with the negative reinforcement swiftly, and EVERY TIME the rule is broken. This way, your child can predict his consequences and make better behavior choices. When the consequences are inconsistent, changing, and infrequent, chaos will rule.
Don’t assume your child can’t handle rules and consequences! He needs structure in his life, and depends upon you to provide it.