The reason we have two ears and one mouth is because it is twice as hard to listen as it is to talk. Active listening means using both of our ears, all of our senses and all of our 
knowledge about a person’s circumstance (age, ability, culture, etc). Children aren’t as sophisticated in their language as we are so we also have to listen actively to their behaviour as well as what they do/don’t say. Just as play is children’s work, so too is behavior a punctuation of children’s speech. Children will often tell us something through their behavior and they need us to hear their behavior and do something to make things better when something is wrong. When listening to children then, we need two ears and two eyes. Thank goodness we’ve got the right tools!
As a fun exercise in active listening, next time you go out for coffee, take note of a couple in the throes of beginning love. Watch how they interact with each other. They are actively listening to each other and giving each other messages back that they are interested in what the other person is saying. Next take note of how you listen to people. If it’s someone you really want to be with at that moment do you listen differently than if it’s your teacher/husband/wife/father, etc?
Active listening is a form of great respect and it can be a difference that a child may never have had offered them before. Most importantly, active listening helps to identify child abuse and children’s inability to openly talk about their emotional pain.
Active listening is made up of 3 elements:
1. effective attending,
2. understanding the other persons cultural/social/political or geographical circumstances, and,
3. understanding your own barriers to listening.
Effective Attending: To effectively attend there are a number of simple skills to help us show a child that we want to listen to what they have to say. A communication writer called Egan has come up with an acronym to help us to remember: SOLER.
S – Sit square on (face the child at their level wherever possible)
O – Open body posture (make your body language say “I’m here, I’m ready for you”)
L – Lean slightly forward (did you watch a couple? Did you see how they leant forward?)
E – eye contact (not all cultures like eye contact but most children like to look at eyes)
R – Relaxed (an angry body is not relaxed, relax your shoulders, hands and face).
Understanding the other person’s context: Children come from all sorts of backgrounds. We need to know a little about their culture so that we can practice inclusive and non-discriminatory listening. Knowing the Convention on the rights of a child, despite where they come from can be really helpful here. To respect the right of a child’s cultural and religious beliefs is understanding and active listening in practice. The age of a child is also very important here. Many people expect way too much of children. Learning about the developmental tasks of a particular age group prepares us to completely understand a child’s behaviour—is their behaviour age appropriate and if not, why?
Understanding your context: We all listen through our own filters. Instead of being a cotton ball blocking our hearing our filters are everything that has happened to us, our beliefs, ethics, experiences and preferences. I find it hard to listen to people who may be a bit smelly. The smell acts as a filter and blocks me actively listening. I have got around this by only ever counseling in a well ventilated room where I can open the window if I have to. It is the other person’s right to be listened to fairly so therefore it is up to me to unblock my filters and to give the person my full attention.
To fully understand how our beliefs and culture block our ability to listen or do things to help others I want you to try this experiment. Go hug and talk to a tree in full view of other people. I’m serious. I know you’re probably thinking, “No way, how embarrassing,” but please do try it. Your own inner voice has been trained to tell you what is acceptable and unacceptable public behaviour. Your inner voice can be a block to you listening to another person in their context.
If the above exercise makes you feel vulnerable please spare a thought for the children you have contact with. Children are extremely vulnerable because of their size, thinking ability and reliance on adults to protect and support them. Children who have come from a different culture, to a white dominant culture, are even more vulnerable. Children with a disability, no matter what culture they come from, are more vulnerable yet again. These children have the same rights under the Convention on the Rights of a Child than any other child has and their safety relies on you, your caring attitude, your ethics, your duty of care, and your ability to actively listen to them. As a supporter of children, you are in a privileged and responsible position.
Are you ready to actively listen to another person’s child?