A child of four inserts a pair of scissors into her bottom. A child of eight attempts to put his penis into his little sister’s vagina. Is this acceptable behavior? No. Is it developmentally normal? No. These are indicators of something being wrong and worthy of concern. What is developmentally normal though? It can be so confusing and scary when a parent catches their children engaged in sex play. Usually the parents first reaction is shock, followed quickly by anger, and then concern, both for their own perception of perhaps being a bad parent and then for their child: “Am I a failure as a guiding parent or has something happened?”
Knowledge of acceptable sexual development can be a savior. The more you know and understand, the less likely you will be to freak out when something developmentally normal happens and to take action when something abnormal occurs.
We are born sexual creatures. Male and Female bodies are made to eventually procreate. We have the right bits, the right processes and eventually, the desire to make an informed choice about whether to procreate or not. While still safely growing inside their mother’s womb a female baby’s vagina will lubricate and a male baby’s penis will become erect. This is a physiological and completely natural process of growth.
It is normal for young babies and children to explore their bodies, including their genitals. Sometimes they will experience a pleasurable feeling and so continue to touch and explore. For those of you that have male children, have you ever been amazed at how far boys can stretch their penis. There has been the odd occasion where I have thought, “Oh goodness, don’t let go or you’ll knock yourself out when it springs back!” Depending on how parents react during these times of innocent exploration, we set the scene for functional or dysfunctional sexual development. By measuring our reactions, a child decides early whether they will hide issues of sexual development and become sneaky with their exploration (including exploration on other children) or whether they accept it as a part of who they are and know that bodies are private and that some behaviors are just not acceptable in front of others.
If sexual development is an accepted part of who we are, children WILL gradually learn the socially accepted rules around sex play in their everyday games and behaviors. There are some general sex play behaviors that occur at different ages, for example, at around age three children may display a healthy interest in the genitals of other people. They may become fascinated by the toileting habits of the opposite gender and try to copy the way the other pees.
Over the next two blogs, we’re going to look at the accepted range of sex play in the three to fives and the five to eights. In the final blog of the series, we’ll look at amber (concerning) and red (danger) light behaviors.
Acknowledgement: Some information for this article has been referenced from an excellent parent handout produced by Family Planning Queensland (Australia). To view “Sexual Development in Early Childhood”, click here.
Related families.com articles and forums: Talking with Children About Sexuality.
Homosexual Agenda Being Promoted In Schools.
My FAVORITE child focused article of the day: Book Review: ScreamFree Parenting by Myra Turner.