I’m sure that many of us have heard the expression (was it a book, movie, song title?)
”Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I’d like to know how well the person who came up with that one got along with his wife and family! In Jewish life, this period which falls between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur is the season for saying you are sorry. We spend a lot of time apologizing to G-d during these weeks: in the special Selichos prayers we say before Rosh Hashana and on the holidays themselves and the intervening days. It is said that, if we pray earnestly and truly want to mend our ways, that Hashem will forgive us, and there is an opinion in the Talmud that says a Jew is forgiven automatically on Yom Kippur, whether he atones or not (a person might ask why atone at all? The answer is that the higher purpose of atonement is to connect with Hashem rather than to focus on sin, but that is a subject of another blog.)
Although forgiveness from Hashem can be accomplished through earnest prayers, Hashem is unable to grant us absolution for the sins we committed against others. For those sins, we must confront the person we wronged and ask for his or her forgiveness. This can be extremely difficult, but it is ultimately a humbling and purifying experience. I try to make a list evey year of those I have to apologize to, and I am always sure I have forgotten someone.
It is a good idea to go through the calendar, recall events that occurred throughout the year and to compile a list of people who have been wronged. The best method of apologizing is to visit them, but a phone call will do (e-mail is a third option but lacks a personal touch.) According to Jewish law, when a person asks for forgiveness, the other person is required to forgive him and to say this. If the person refuses to grant forgiveness, the person should apologize again, but after three times pleading without being granted forgiveness, it is as if absolution has been given even if the other person bears a grudge (it is forbidden to bear a grudge). If you feel you have been wronged by someone, the correct procedure is to call or visit them and give them an opportunity to apologize. If you suspect that someone is visiting you for this purpose and you don’t remember what you might have done wrong, it is proper to ask them or to apologize for anything you might have done in a general way.
Saying you are sorry can be quite difficult, but it is always worth the effort. But you need not wait until this time period. As one astute rabbi remarked, “Apologize now and beat the Yom Kippur rush.”