We have all heard couples sigh and say they have to stay together for the kids. They give these noble sounding speeches, and while some people really do mean it and have the best of intentions, others are simply acting as martyrs and they certainly aren’t doing their kids any favors. That may seem a like a harsh thing to say, but unfortunately, it’s true in some cases.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not promoting divorce. I wish that every married couple could find ways to salvage their relationships. It doesn’t always work out that way, but neither does sticking together claiming it’s for the sake of the children. Co-existing without working through problems is like waiting for a bomb to go off. You know it’s going to blow up, you just don’t know when, and the kids are in the line of fire.
Parents who really want to stay together for the benefit of their children need to work out a semblance of a relationship, even if it is no longer one of intimacy. They need to be able to work together, make parenting decisions together, debate privately, present a united front, and agree never to denigrate each other to their children. They must never put children in a position of having to pick sides.
From a child whose parents divorced, my personal experience is that placing children into a position where they have to choose sides makes divorce into a nightmare. It is selfish, cruel, and very traumatic. Children love both of their parents, so please be careful never to do this to your children, no matter how unintentional. Please, be very careful what you say and do and try to keep your kids first in mind as you work your way through this very difficult time in all of your lives.
Late addition: That’s Not What I Said!