When somebody makes a public disclosure of a previously private abuse they are indeed extremely brave. A multitude of fears run through their mind and body: will I be believed, will I be blamed, will I be in trouble. These faulty cognitions are the result of societal constraints of allowing people to tell the truth and the powerful dynamic of control that predators use against a victim, even many, many years following the abuse.
Following a disclosure, a victim frequently feels re-victimized and they are hypersensitive to other’s reactions. When support networks say nothing, it can leave the victim second-guessing the support reactions. Remember that the victim’s own silence has trained them to read reactions wrongly. Sometimes it is better to make a simple statement (I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that) than to say nothing.
After speaking up, women often relay to their therapists that they feel frightened, confused and cannot get the experience out of their head. This is normal. Those feelings have always been there but the victim has been able to dissociate from them in order to function daily. Bringing those dissociated feelings to the forefront often leaves the victim feeling similar to the way they did after the abusive experience. Bringing them to the forefront and working through them allows the victim to own their feelings and to get rid of dysfunctional dissociation. Dissociation may have been functional during an abusive experience but it becomes dysfunctional when it interferes in everyday life.
Dissociation can best be understood as a major type of daydream – your mind disappears somewhere else but you can still complete some tasks. Dissociation protects people from severe emotional pain. Dissociation during childbirth is wonderful – a laboring mother can dissociate from the physical pain and cope with the birth.
Public disclosures also cut into the soul of other survivors. Recognizing and understanding the pain, other survivors may find themselves obsessing over their own experiences and dissociate so that they can still function.
Please remember that if you feel affected by articles or journals about rape and sexual violence that you do not have to suffer your pain alone. Trained therapists are available to assist you through the integration of past experiences and current emotional disequilibrium.
My mental health blogger colleague, Beth McHugh, offers on-line counseling. If you need to talk to someone, Beth is an excellent choice without even having to leave your home.
Rape and sexual violence is never the fault of the victim and there is no shame in telling people of what has happened to you. Blaming a victim, or their family, is most unhelpful and may just force other survivors further into silence. This Sexual Violence Awareness Month we are trying to lift the secrecy around sexual violence. Families.com is a wholly supportive place to do this because of the strong family values and caring attitudes displayed here.
Reach out to a survivor. Let them know you care, believe and will support.
Related articles around supporting people affected by sexual violence:
Reclaim the Night: An Electronic March for Women
Recovery From a Rape. YOU Can Immediately Help.
Shampoo to Help Remove the Shams and Pooh of Life after an Assault.