Arguments are never fair and they are rarely times when we think clearly. Arguments with our spouse can be intense times of emotion where the argument is about far more than just who forgot to start the laundry or who didn’t get something at the grocery store. Arguments between spouses are punctuated by ‘but I digress’ moments. These moments, while completely understandable, are what make mountains out of molehills.
The ‘but I digress’ moments introduce elements into the battlefield of the argument. For example, perhaps your spouse was late getting home because they attended a late meeting at work. Typically, you know that this happens, but your spouse didn’t call. You waited dinner for them, you called their cell phone and an hour after you would normally have served dinner, you and the kids finally eat. Your spouse isn’t home. You’ve called two or three times. Each time you’ve called, your pulse accelerated, your breathing became shallower and your personal temperature rose.
Concern combined with annoyance, hunger and tiredness is a cocktail that packs a powerful punch. When your spouse walks in the door and grumbles at you for calling four times, you’ve had it. The fight is on.
At this point, there is no right or wrong. The argument is about respect and consideration, but neither partner is going to hear that when the ‘but I digress’ moments begin. More often than not, the volley will start out with:
“Do you have any idea how late it is?”
“Yeah, I know. It was a hell of a day. What’s for dinner?”
“Dinner was two hours ago, which you know. If you’d bothered to call me and let me know you were going to be late, maybe I could have kept it warm.”
“That’s okay, I can heat it up.”
“No, it’s not okay. Why didn’t you call?”
“I was in a meeting.”
“If they called you into a late meeting, why didn’t you spend five minutes telling me you were going to be late?”
“I told you I had a meeting.”
“You did not.”
“I told you this morning.”
“You didn’t say five words this morning, like most mornings all you did was take your shower, drink some coffee and leave. You didn’t even kiss me goodbye … “
First of all, neither partner is expressing their real frustrations. The ‘but I digress’ moments are frustration. He’s frustrated because you didn’t hear him. You’re annoyed that he didn’t say anything. This argument can rapidly spiral out of control and into the realm of stony silences and slamming doors.
The facts of the matter are, couples argue. We’re human. We make mistakes. We screw up. Sometimes we need to apologize, sometimes we need to explain, but most of the time we just need to listen and we need to express ourselves clearly. If you learn to avoid the ‘but I digress’ moments and learn the rules of arguing, you and your spouse will be much more effective when it comes to solving disagreements.
No, it’s not easy to keep the rules of engagement and disagreement in mind when you’re ticked off. But if you are really that angry, then take deep, steadying breaths and excuse yourself for a time-out. Look at your partner or spouse and say, “I can’t think clearly or speak clearly on this right now. Let’s take twenty or thirty minutes to cool off and come back to this then.”
That statement can save you both a lot of grief. You are effectively communicating that you can’t be reasonable at the moment. You are clearly stating that you do want to have the conversation, but you don’t want a yelling match. You are giving both of you time to calm down and you are setting the time for when you are going to discuss this again.
Learning how to argue well and learning how to avoid those ‘but I digress’ moments can help you have a better relationship not only with your spouse, but with your friends, your parents and your kids.
Some other rules you should follow are:
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*Be Honest
*Admit when you could have made a mistake.
*Listen to your partner’s feelings, don’t judge them.
*Tell them how you feel, but don’t demand that they approve.
*Listen as much or more than you talk.
*Assume good intentions.
*Try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes.
*Take a time-out when the tension is too high.
*Breathe deeply.
*Make sure you have time to yourselves every week regardless of other commitments.
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Arguments do not have to be destructive. Most successful marriages can recount for you their arguments. Arguing is a part of challenging yourself to a deeper understanding of your partner. Don’t fight dirty and don’t digress.