Okay, this is a hard topic for me to write about and I’ll be honest about why – there’s an old saying – everybody lies. We all keep little things from each other whether it’s to avoid a fight or a hurt feeling or because the perception of one person is that the information is inconsequential and therefore easily forgotten. But how can a don’t ask, don’t tell policy benefit your marriage?
If You’re Feeling More Than a Little Skeptical At the Moment, Then We’re on the Same Page
Do you hide any shopping trips from your spouse? Do you go out and pick up a shirt or a pair of pants or even new lingerie and come home, putting it away without every mentioning it? Maybe there was a great sale and you were able to get three for the price of one? You work, you make more than enough money to cover it. You pay for it in cash so that it’s not a big deal for the withdrawal to show up on the bank statement, but the amount you actually spent won’t.
Your spouse won’t care because getting out handy cash is all a part of day to day life and they don’t notice your clothes half the time anyway – so it’s not a problem. You get to have your new things, it’s not hurting anyone financially and your spouse is none the wiser and you are both spared the inevitable conflict of arguing over how the money is spent.
In a Relationship, Secret is a Dirty Word
The dark connotations associated with secrets are hardly positive for a relationship. If you hear about someone having a secret past or a secret affair or a secret account – there’s something just totally nefarious about it. Secrets aren’t good for relationships – unless it isn’t hurting anyone.
I am not the most open person on the planet. In fact, I’ve been accussed on many occasions of keeping too much to myself. I have also been known to buy a book before and not mention it, but at the same time, I don’t try to hide it either. The idea that keeping a secret from your spouse can be considered okay as long as the secret isn’t harmful –that’s just a sticky wicket.
- Would you want to know if your spouse loaned money to someone without your knowledge? Without consulting you or getting your input?
- Would you want to know if your spouse had lunch once a week with a co-worker (male or female) and had for months at a time?
- Do you think your spouse would want to know that you went shopping and spent $100 on items that weren’t vital, but were important enough for you to spend the money?
But the idea that keeping secrets is okay because your secret wouldn’t hurt someone and might hurt them if they knew – let’s put it this way, if you’re keeping it a secret to keep it from being troublesome, the person you’re protecting is yourself and the problem with secrets – they have a way of becoming found out and when they are – the hurt is usually twice as bad.
Can you think of a reason to keep secrets in a marriage?
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