For most women, switching into mommy-mode seems like an overnight process. One day, you’re body is yours to do with what you will, and the next day it’s house and home to another being. You feel the snap intensely: You’re part of an intimate duo now. Everything you do has certain implications on the growing baby inside you, and you bring this baby with you wherever you go.
Now imagine that you are equally excited, concerned, confused and anxious about the great change that is taking place in your life, except that you aren’t carrying this baby. Imagine instead that you are Dad. You are unsure of your role now, and it’s taking a long time for this baby to get here! Aside from Mom’s morning sickness, you can’t really see the baby.
Sometimes it seems like it takes men a long time to even warm up to the idea of parenthood, while it can take us only an instant. Sometimes it also seems like they have it really easy. They can still eat fast food and drink beer and all that fun stuff that you used to be able to. They can go skydiving or scuba-diving or any other kind of diving, but you can’t. And they don’t have to deal with morning sickness, swelling feet and stretch marks. It’s just not fair! Why is it that it takes two to tango, yet only one bears the burden for nine or more months?
When we are pregnant, we can often get a little impatient with our partner in crime. But let’s put things into perspective. When a woman carries a baby, she is flooded with all kinds of hormones that emotionally attach her to the fetus. A man may be just as happy to be on his way to fatherhood, but without those hormones he is still very much the same man he always was. Sometimes it can take until the very birth itself for the impact to fully hit him.
Understanding this difference between the sexes can ease marital tensions during the transition months. Keep in mind that your husband is probably very uncertain about his role. It may seem to him that he is not important as you are, since you are carrying the baby. This can continue on after birth if you are going to be breastfeeding, so start now to make dad feel like he is an important contributor to the baby’s needs.
Start a routine of having him help you in specific ways while you are pregnant, and keep it after the baby is born as well. Have him draw you a bath at night, or rub your feet in bed. If this isn’t his cup of tea, assign him nursery duty. Allow him to pick his favorite nursery theme, and have him do the painting. Take walks to stay in shape together. Then there’s the obvious: Take him with you to the midwife visits, make sure he is there for the first ultrasound and the first time you hear the heartbeat. And include him in the baby shower – it’s his baby too, after all!