As some of you who’ve read my other blogs know by now, I tend to let my sense of humor guide me in my parenting. Humor and silliness have been a gift, as far as I’m concerned, and while I certainly get down, frustrated, aggravated and generally annoyed, most of the time I can unearth some humor in even the most scary, challenging parenting adventures.
I know, you must be thinking that I have super easy kids for whom a humorous joke or gentle tease are all that’s needed to keep everything humming along with ease and good behavior. In the words of one of my daughter’s, uh…no. As a matter of fact, I have very strong-willed, opinionated, out-spoken, and sometimes downright naughty kids. I’ve certainly had my share of school calls and uncomfortable conferences, and just about anything you can imagine going down—has probably gone down at my house, with my kids.
Now that my kids are older, they’ve come up with many terms to describe their mother—head-in-the-clouds, overly-optimistic, the comedienne, and, my favorite, just downright embarrassing. But, I have to tell you, what they won’t yet admit, is that it’s worked for us. Most of the time, we manage to come to agreements. When they were little, it was especially useful and I was almost always able to get my own way…with play.
Here’s the way it works—it’s all about avoidance, distraction, redirection and making a game or song out of everything. I know it doesn’t come naturally for everybody, but think of your favorite kindergarten or preschool teacher—the pied piper of children—chances are he or she is not barking, lecturing or doling out sage advice. It’s probably all about distraction, avoidance, redirection and songs.
The tough times for young children are when they are overtired, over-stimulated, underfed or feeling yucky. Throw in the ongoing need for independence, affection, reassurance and activity and you’ve got a recipe for explosions (or implosion in some of its more severe cases). With three young ones, I found a great many disasters could be avoided by timing and anticipation—not scheduling doctor’s appointments during naptime, not going too long without a snack, not spending too much time in clothes that were too hot or itchy, and not spending too much time together.
After general avoidance, comes the fine art of distraction and redirection—“Oh, your sister just pulled your hair? Wouldn’t you like to go and get the milk all by yourself?” (Hair-pulling sister gets message that her behavior will neither be recognized nor rewarded) or “Oh, you got the smallest cookie? But did you notice that yours is the only one with 7 chocolate chips? How lucky are you!” Entire lives can be changed with some quick-thinking and perky redirection.
Finally, my favorite is the game & song technique. We used to have songs for every potential stressful situation—we had a waiting in line at the grocery store song, a waiting for a train song, a I don’t want to put my shoes on and leave song, a “I don’t want to have my diaper changed or use the potty song” — you name it and I likely made up a song (which I was not afraid to sing in public) to fit the occasion (Now are you understanding why “embarrassing” has become the teen’s favorite nickname for mom?) And to go along with this fine, extensive catalogue of songs were games, games, games—games for dressing, eating, cleaning up, bathing, getting in the car, EVERYTHING was a game. Again, quick-thinking and a good understanding of your child’s (or children’s) motivation can get a parent through some pretty sticky situations.
The key with using playfulness in your parenting is to shake things up a bit, mix in a little predictability with some unpredictability. Even if you have some tried-and-true songs and games, don’t hesitate to throw in some new ones. As my daughter explained recently while we were eating popcorn and watching reality television: “I always know exactly what to expect from you, mom—the unexpected. And, you’ll likely think you’re being real funny…”