“We must realize that children don’t jump from misbehaving to behaving properly all in one day. Instead, they do it one step at a time. Remember that change occurs gradually.”– from Try and Make Me , by Ray Levy and Bill O’Hanlon.
How many of you have tried to change your child’s behavior and somehow expected overnight miracles? Come on, be honest, I know I’m not the only one. The above statement should be written in large bold letters and placed strategically around every house to remind us that any small change is a change for the better. In Levy and O’Hanlon’s book they talk about how important it is that we acknowledge any small steps that our kids are making toward improving their behavior. If for instance, you are working on getting your child to get dressed on time in the morning and you notice that she has put on her socks without prompting, you should acknowledge it. It’s a step in the right direction, even if you have to prompt her to finish getting dressed.
Not noticing slight improvements is one way we run the risk of halting any progress that our kids are making. The second way we halt progress is by giving “back-handed compliments.”
A back-handed compliment is a comment made that acknowledges progress that is then followed by a “but” or a negative comment. If your child puts on her socks and shoes and you comment to her that you are proud that she’s getting dressed without prompting and then add, “If you would have done this yesterday, then we wouldn’t have been late,” this is a back-handed compliment. When we do this it actually makes the child not want to try. Most parents do it without even thinking but we have to be aware of what messages we send to our kids.
Whenever our kids make any small step to improve their behavior we have to acknowledge it. We can do so by simply stating that we notice or for older kids we can leave a short note for them in their lunch or book bag. The idea is to watch for small, sometimes subtle changes, and let your kids know that you are aware of these changes.
See also:
Taming Tantrums-Take Your Child On A Dry Run
Parenting Myths For Parents Of Defiant Children