The Voice of A Hurting Child Adoption Families.com

Yesterday, Makala was told she would spend the next 30-60 days in residential treatment. She will be there for her 9th Birthday, after 4-years of being our daughter. This morning I received an email from the treatment center therapist, apparently Makala has finally started talking to someone about how she really feels, these are her words:

Everyone thinks that I should always just be happy about getting new parents. I am happy but, I also am sad because I had to say goodbye to my birth mother.
I get worried that my birth mom adopted other kids who are better then me.
I worry that I was bad or that I caused so many problems.
I think that my brain must be broken. There isn’t any supper glue that will fix the break I have.
I cry when I cannot remember my birth mother anymore.
I am really happy and love my forever mom and then feel bad because my birth mom might think I don’t love her anymore.
I don’t like it when people ask my parents a lot of personal questions about me–or say something rude about my birth mom.
I don’t like it when people think I should be different because I was adopted. Or they think I should be extra happy I got these parents.
My brother didn’t get to know our birth mom so I try to tell him all about her.
I know there are more kids our birth mom had that live with different parents now.
Sometimes I remember bad stuff about being with my birth mom.
Sometimes I think my birth mom will come back to get me. Sometimes that scares me, sometimes I am happy to think about that.
I had a bad dream that we took our birth mother to the garbage dump.
Sometimes I think I see my birth mom at the store or school.
I remember sleeping in the shopping cart.
I remember finding food because I got so hungry.
I remember hiding in the woods because the police were going to find me.
I think the police are bad guys sometimes.
I hope I can be a good mom when I grow up.
I am always hungry and I don’t know why.
I think my birth mom might be dead or in jail now.
My new parents are not in charge of me–the caseworkers and police really are.
Sometimes I like to call 911 because I know the police will take kids away from bad parents. When I did call 911 the police didn’t take me away. I don’t know why? I said my mom broke a rule and drove on a red-light, I told the police my parents are mean to me. The police told me my parents can be mean if they don’t break the rules. I don’t know what the rules are.
My teachers should be the boss of my parents.
When I get so mad inside I feel like hurting someone bad!
When I feel sad inside I want to break something to feel better.
I don’t know how to get happy.
I don’t know how to feel safe all the time.
The foster parents wanted to adopt my baby brother but, not me. They got mad at me because they couldn’t adopt him and had to adopt me too. So they didn’t adopt anyone.
I can’t hear my head thinking so I don’t know how to read. When I try the letters look like a puzzle and mix-up everywhere.
I hit my mom and dad because I am mad.
When I start getting crazy I don’t know how to stop it.
I think if I don’t get my broken brain fixed that my parents might give me away, they might give me back to my birth mom. Sometimes I want them to.
We go to Disneyland every single summer.
We have a pretty and big house and a giant yard.
I hear my mommy cry. Even when she goes to the bathroom and turns on the tub water I can hear her cry.
Sometimes I want her to cry.
Sometimes I feel sadder because I made her cry.
My parents keep leaving me here at this hospital. I thought they would get me out today but they didn’t. They left me here again and I think they are supper mad at me this time.
I feel like my life has been really long and kids my age are babies.
I wish that this was all not true and I wish I had a different brain and heart that isn’t hurt and doesn’t need to get fixed.
I wish that I could just be done being this way.
I hope my parents will come get me someday and that we will be happy the way my parents wanted our family to be happy.
Can I go home now?

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Special Needs and Adoption-Related Terms: Adoption terms and special needs words may vary from agency to agency. The terms used in this Special Needs Adoption-Related Glossary may be slightly different from one State to another.

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For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.

Anna Glendenning is also Families.com Insurance and Guest Blogger. Read her blogs at: http://members.families.com/happymomanna/blog