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“It’s Nothing Personal.” Kids with Behavioral Disorders

When we parent children with problem behaviors, it’s hard not to take their actions personally. My stepdaughter, who has ADHD and suspected ODD, has tirades and vengeful behaviors which have occasionally hurt my feelings deeply.

The questions that come to mind are “WHY do you have to act like that?” “WHY can’t you behave like your older brother or sister?” “WHY are you the child who keeps getting into trouble at school?” And, even more secretly, “WHY can’t I change you?”

Losing it…

On one occasion, I just lost it. I did. I got down on my knees and yelled at my stepdaughter because her behavior was so hyperactive, disrespectful, and mean. It happened because I had tried to direct her to chill-out, and she made some personal remarks about me that cut me to the center. It was a powerful sting. Here I had spent countless hours tending to this little girl, overseeing her medical and educational needs, patiently dealing with her misdeeds, and yet she had the audacity to look me in the eye and hiss out personal insults. I got down to her level and yelled. I told her that she was not going to treat me that way. I said I wasn’t afraid of her, and she couldn’t hurt me.

And yet, I was afraid, and she had hurt me. (Sigh.) It was probably so obvious. What a mistake on my part.

“WHY can’t you behave like other kids?”

The answer to this question is simply that these kids can’t. Children with behavioral disorders are not functioning with the same coping skills and physiological make-up as their average peers. Their brain chemistry isn’t the same. It’s nothing personal; we just happen to be the ones in the room. It’s important to see ourselves as expert parent therapists (even though we often feel clueless) rather than victims of a cruel child.

A few points of advice:

  1. Don’t engage in arguments. We’re all human, (and I certainly make my share of mistakes). Yet arguing with your child shows that you, at least in that moment, are putting yourself on the same level. But you are not trying to win a boxing match. Put down the boxing gloves. You are the parent, on the higher ground. Give the consequence, and that’s it. No debating, no negotiating, and don’t feel the need to defend your position. You can’t lose an argument you don’t engage in.
  2. See the behavior as a symptom of a disability. That doesn’t mean it’s acceptable or excusable, but at least you can understand it. Keep a notebook of symptoms including outbursts, tantrums, etc. When do they usually happen? What triggers them? Does diet, sleep, stress, or other factors come into play? Should medication be explored or the dosage be checked? Take the role of parent therapist seriously.
  3. Point out the positive. No child is badly behaved every minute of the day (even if it seems that way). Give praise and attention during the calm, well-behaved moments. Take an interest in your child’s talents and strengths. Be upbeat and positive.

Not taking misbehaviors personally is easier said than done. But by recognizing that the issue is physiological, we can break free of hurt feelings and take important steps toward getting our kids the help they need.

Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.