Have you ever been caught in the mommy trap? What do I mean by that? Let me tell you a little story, when my daughter was just two, I signed her up to go to a daycare facility twice a week. The idea was to let her spend time with other children and to help increase her socialization. We just didn’t know anyone else with young kids and the opportunities for her to get engaged with other children were few and far between.
When I took her the first time, she was thrilled and excited. She couldn’t wait to get into the room to play. The first time I dropped her off, she was happy and laughing and playing and she dashed in and made friends with the teacher and the other kids and had a great day, when I arrived back a few hours later to pick her up, she immediately threw herself down and started crying hysterically.
Inconsolable Crying
She was inconsolable at first and very clingy every afternoon when I picked her up from her daycare. Though all of her teachers assured me that she was happy, bright and very engaged when I wasn’t there. She never had these fits when I dropped her off, only when I picked her up. I felt pretty awful at first, thinking I must be a terrible mom because she was demonstrating such unhappiness when I came to pick her up – she was either letting me know about how she felt about being there or how she felt about me taking her away from there.
The thing is – she was neither unhappy about being there or about me arriving to pick her up. Babies, even young babies, learn how to manipulate emotions very quickly. It’s not a malicious manipulation. In fact, it’s just a very shrewd, fundamental reaction to wanting attention. They learn very quickly that when they cry or act upset, you reach out to them, scoop them up and hug and comfort them.
Who doesn’t want to be loved and nurtured in this fashion?
It’s a Demonstration of Their Security
You might wonder are they that needy for attention that they have to manipulate you to get it? It’s actually just the opposite. Children, even babies, who are very confident in their parents and their parents love are far more likely to act up and out to get attention than babies and children who are not confident in their parents.
There is no risk of you abandoning them or pushing them away for their over the top behavior. In it’s way, it’s a perverse demonstration of their confidence in you. They are not only reaping the benefits of your loving comfort, but also testing your limits. It’s what your baby is doing when they cry in the middle of the night for you to come. It’s what they are doing when they constantly reach for that one thing you’ve told them no, too. It’s also what they’re doing when they drop toys that you’ve just given them – they want to see what you’ll do and whether you’ll give it back.
So yes, in it’s own way – the mommy trap is the perversity of their affection as they explore their world and a certain amount of manipulation is very healthy for them. You just have to learn to balance when it’s okay to go along with them and when it’s not. Overindulging that type of behavior can send the wrong message – in other words, they can start to think hysterics is the way to get what they want. Set your limits and stick to them.
For example, we indulged her need to be swept up and adored when we picked her up from her daycare. We didn’t indulge her over the top behavior when she didn’t want to leave the bookstore or when she wanted to take a toy home that we hadn’t purchased. Because good moms and good dads for that matter know how to look out for their child’s emotional and mental well being – whether that means setting the limits and sticking to them or being loving, hugging and cuddling.
Have you ever experienced this mommy trap?
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