It comes as a bit of a shock when we parents realize that we are not the only influence on our child or children. I remember being so involved and careful–setting out with the best of intentions to impart all my wisdom and direction onto the tender young minds for who’s care I had been granted responsibility. Gradually, outside influences started to infiltrate. My best-laid plans and efforts began to be assaulted and peppered with holes and attacks, I found myself shocked and horrified and saying, “Where on earth did you get an idea like that?!”
There were words I’d never said, stories, behaviors, strange explanations, myths and philosophies. Over the years, I’ve learned to just shake my head and trust in the growing-up process. I know I had to learn that I couldn’t keep them in a bubble forever–but I thought I’d have a little more time to lay the groundwork before popular culture, strangers and the kooky family down the street started having an influence on the evolving character of my child.
The paradox of this whole “who’s idea was that?” thing is that we parents are held ultimately responsible regardless. When our kids so eloquently share some of the words they heard old Mr. Johnson spewing (as he wrestled with his lawn mower on Saturday afternoon) in the foyer at church on Sunday–Mr. Johnson is nowhere to be found, all eyes turn to us and wonder what sort of parents we are to have children with such potty mouths. The same comes years later when our child gets caught up with a whirl of peer pressure and steals the box of Ding Dongs from the grocery store–when we show up to face the inquisitive security officers, the question is “Is there any trouble at home?” not “What’s going on in school, or society or the neighborhood or any other social structure to contribute to this bout of shop lifting? Or, what personal developmental stage are these kids in to make this seem like a reasonable choice?” It’s as if we are suspected of giving our child shoplifting tips and providing home lessons on the valuable art of lifting merchandise from the corner store.
The fact is, while it’s obviously the parent’s responsibility (up to a point), it’s not always the parent’s fault. I hate to be the one bringing the bad news to those of you who are new parents with your children still firmly under foot and under your influence, but the day will come (and once it does, it will occur more often than you’ll want) when you look at your child with a mix of horror, curiosity and complete embarrassment and say, “Where on EARTH did you get an idea like that?!” (And, I often add the “Who’s child are you, anyway?–just to make myself feel a little better.)
See Also: Dealing With Behavior Problems in Public, Do You Have a Defiant Child, Check Your Parenting Style