Adopting an older child is differet than giving birth or adopting a newborn. Everyone involved in the creation of the new family has had time to daydream and think about their personal expectations. But, what can be done to help an adoptive family avoid the disappointment of things not living up to their expectations?
Transition and becoming a new family is hard for everyone involved. But, parents have to be parents and take charge of the things they can control. As adults we can’t let our daydreams and imagination get in the way. It is exciting to dream but, we do need to understand the ‘person’ coming into our home is very real.
Our children come with their own personality, traits and habits. Our child will have memories and history both positive and negative. He or she will have talents and shortcomings, preferences and interests, as well as, like and dislikes. As the adults it is our job to keep an open mind and watch out for our own expectations. Parents who talk about and share both the dreams and the risks of these dreams being shattered are often better able to deal with the real person they have decided to adopt.
Parents can also help insure their soon to be child has been prepared the best possible way. When a family decides to adopt an older child it is okay to ask a lot of questions. Parents should feel free to ask the child’s caseworker about these issues:
- Has the child been told what kind of family we are?
- Has the child been told about the other people in our family and home?
- Does the child know what kind of pets we have?
- Does the child understand what type of education they will have in our family? Public, private or home school?
- Does the child know what the sleeping arrangements will be like?
- Has the child been asked if they have something special they expect from their adoptive family?
- Has the child been told what personal items they can or can’t bring with them?
- Has the child been told if they will or will not have visits with their former foster family?
- Will our child get the Family Book we created to help him or her put a picture in their mind of what to expect?
Parents can help an older child adjust to the new family by demonstrating their own acceptance. We don’t have to be stuck on the fantasy child those were only dreams and adjusting to the real person is difficult enough without our dreams getting in the way.
Other Parts of the Series “The Fantasy Child”
- Daydreaming About Our Future Child.
- The Pictures and Profile
- Parental Expectations
- The Child’s Expectations
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Special Needs and Adoption-Related Terms:
A | B | C | D | E-F | G-H-I | J-K-L | M | N-O | P | Q-R | S | T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z
For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.