Every once in a while, we get into a problem with our marriages and our relationships because we’re not getting our own way. It’s funny, when you watch children arguing because in many ways they are a microcosm for the relationships we’ll have as adults. My daughter and my nephew frequently bicker and we jokingly refer to their bickering as though they were an old married couple.
Always; Never & My Way
Frank Sinatra said it best when we described doing it My Way. Our kids get into fights because they want to do things their way and that often requires persuading their friends to play the game or the games in the manner they want them to be played. The trouble is, their friends are usually the same age and have the desire to do things their own way too – so as you can imagine it’s an age old argument of the immovable object being struck by the unstoppable force.
While this is what happens when we’re children, when we allow it to happen as adults we’re creating walls and barriers that will prevent us from having the marriage and the relationships we want to have. It’s important to avoid creating these types of untenable situations in your relationship.
Things We Never Say
There are many things we don’t say and don’t do that we should. There are also things that we do and say that we shouldn’t. First and foremost, tearing down those walls of always, never and my way can improve your relationships. For example, there was a point where my husband and I argued because he felt that I never wanted to do anything with him anymore because I was always busy with the baby.
I resented the implication of it and it created a lot of tension until we both stopped, took a deep breath and he apologized for his always and never and I apologized for not considering that he might feel that way. What it boils down to is the perception of our partners and our lives and how we feel in that moment. He was feeling lonely because I was so busy with the baby and I was tired a lot of the time. On the one hand he understood that I was exhausted, but on the other – he missed the time we used to spend together.
Always & Never Rut
If you and your spouse are stuck in the always and never rut, you need to take a deep breath and a step back. Remind yourself that always and never are extremes and they are terms that really don’t apply to anything.
- You never have time for me
- You always forget what I ask you
- You’re always busy with the baby
- You never take a break
- You never do what I want you to do
Consider the statements you are making and then think about it, chances are they really don’t apply. Never say never and always forget the word always. Think about the last argument or discussion you had where you used those statements – then actually sit down and try to reword it to say what you really meant. If you say things like I feel like you aren’t there for me as much as I need you to be – you’ll likely be closer to the mark than if you say: you’re never there for me.
Free yourself up from the statements that hinder you and hold you both back and create more problems than they resolve. Can you think of a recent argument where you used always and never that you could reframe now with better results?
Related Articles:
Marriage Exercises – The Healing of Humor
Appreciation Exercises – Challenge Yourself
Relationship Advice: Accentuating the Positive