One of the most memorable lessons I learned from my one of my children’s preschool teachers was to stop talking! She was of the opinion that parents tried to say and explain too much to young preschoolers and most of what we were saying was being tuned out and ignored. Her advice was to keep things short, sweet, and direct—and to use affection and body language to convey all the rest.
This was the woman who taught me that moving in closely to a misbehaving child had a better effect than hollering from across the room. She didn’t even have to say anything, just settle down on the floor where an argument was breaking out and amazingly, peace was restored. Over the years I’ve definitely caught myself getting going in “lecture mode” and realized that I was saying far more than the situation warranted.
With teenagers, too much talking can really cause a rift. Recently, my daughter accused me of “just saying the same thing over and over again using different words.” She was right, as I struggled to make sure I was being heard by rephrasing everything, I was really making sure that I was NOT being heard since I’d just been tuned out. Talking longer and louder does not ensure that communication and understanding have been reached.
The other part of the “talking” lesson I learned all those years ago, was to talk in a language our kids can understand. This doesn’t mean trying to take on all the slang and mod lingo of the times, but more to make sure that we are choosing words that are clear, age-appropriate and comprehensible. My ex-spouse used to use a lot of clichés, sayings, and metaphors when he was talking to the young kids (he might still) and they often had no idea what he was talking about. One of my daughters would actually get quite frustrated and say, “I don’t know what you’re saying!” While we don’t want to be condescending or talk down to our kids, we also need to make sure we’re not talking over their heads either.
Even though it may seem like things aren’t sinking in, the trick is to actually say less—and not more.
See Also: Child Speech and Language Development and Counting Out