Many children with behavior problems continue to get into trouble because they aren’t able to “own” their conduct. Everything is somebody else’s fault, and they feel picked on and victimized. “She made me hit her because she was laughing at me,” or “I called him a bad name because he wouldn’t let me have a turn.” “I don’t listen to my teacher because she doesn’t like me.” “My room is messy because my little brother keeps going in there and messing it up.” And my favorite: “I can never find my shoes! Somebody keeps stealing them!”
“It’s Not My Fault.”
With seven children, I’ve certainly experienced many of these scenarios. One of my stepdaughters with ADHD had a whole laundry list of reasons why her grades were poor. “I turn my papers in, but my teacher loses them.” “She never gave me that assignment.” “I must have been absent that day.”
I’ve learned that rather than insist that all of this is the child’s fault, the best thing to do is focus on a solution, giving the child incentives to come up with one himself.
Here are five steps parents can take:
- Show empathy. Without being patronizing or insincere, express understanding and compassion. Be careful not to act as though you condone the behavior or the excuse. Validate feelings only: “I can tell that’s causing you a lot of frustration.” “Yes, searching for your shoes all the time is no fun, is it?” “I’ll bet it’s kind of embarrassing to have to sit in detention.”
- Demonstrate belief that your child can solve the problem. Ask questions. “What do you think you could do to make it better?” Or, “How are you going to solve it?” Children aren’t always used to adults putting trust in their ideas. It can be a very gratifying thing when a child realizes “Mom is listening to my ideas for a solution. She must think I’m smart. She must think I can handle it.”
- Ask permission to offer suggestions. If your child is struggling with step two, you can say, “Do you want to know what helps me keep track of my shoes?” Or, “I have a few ideas, would you like to hear them?” This keeps you from sounding as though you’re scolding or lecturing, so that your child will be receptive to the solution.
- Get your child to verbalize the possible consequences. For each idea that is brought up, ask your child, “How do you think that would work?” Rather than shoot down ideas, you could also offer “What if” scenarios to get your child thinking. “Yes, you could start leaving your shoes on the front steps. But what if it rained?”
- Show your child that you trust he will make a good choice. “Wow, that’s a great idea. I’ll bet that will work well. I think you’ve really figured out a great way to handle this.” Always approach it as though that this was your child’s idea, and that he is capable of following through. If the solution isn’t working, start the process over. “That didn’t seem to work well for you. Have you thought of a better way?”
By expressing belief in your children’s thoughts and ideas, you are empowering them to solve their own individual problems. You’re channeling their inner-sense of responsibility.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here.
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