Moms go through phases just like the moon. Today I’m in a “new moon” phase, where everything is dark and I’m waiting for enlightenment, change, and the ability to somehow start over again. I’ve reached a point with my ten-year-old stepdaughter where I know I need help. I feel myself unraveling and I recognize that I’ve lost my equilibrium. Maybe I just need a break. Maybe I need a mini-vacation where I turn this child temporarily over to the total care and control of her father—just until I can get my bearings again.
This morning there was another argument. She came bounding into the room wearing a shirt so filthy I could pretty much make out the entire meal she’d eaten the last time she wore it. It obviously was retrieved from the bottom of her dirty clothes hamper, or somewhere else unimaginable. “You can’t wear that to school,” I stated calmly. “It’s got stains all over it.”
She began to stomp her feet and huff at me. And “DING-DING” the match begins. She shouts, she whines, she complains that I’m “mean.” She storms out of the room. And even as I type this blog I’m aware that these are just her usual antics–nothing out of the ordinary. So why is it suddenly affecting me so? Why do I now feel totally overwhelmed by it? Maybe because it’s the same scenario, with little change, that has been happening for a very long time: Tantrums. Anger. Rebellion. Insults. Refusals. Hostility. There’s no violence in these matches, just invisible tension. I’ve tried lots of things. Lots of them worked—for a time. Others didn’t work at all.
I recognize that it’s nothing personal. She would behave this way with anyone who had the audacity to suggest she change her shirt. But I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’m just so tired.
I’m wondering what the “perfect parenting” guide would tell me about this morning’s scenario. What could I have done better? About a million things, I’m sure. What I fear most is that my internal reactions aren’t proportionate to the behavior. I can sense that I’m TOO annoyed, TOO upset, TOO frustrated by everything she does. This morning when I went into her bedroom to wake her for school I was already tense. The girl was asleep, and I was tense.
You see? This is my problem. As a parent, I’ve got to take stock. I need some guidance—I need my own rules to follow in raising this child. If I were to write a “how to” blog about disciplining her, what would my ten steps be? And what would the ten steps be for loving her more? I’ll have to write myself one.
Is this her ADHD? Her fear of abandonment? Is she just wired this way—with a spirit so independent that woe be unto the poor soul who dares stand in her way?
Is there a “time out” stool for mothers?
I’m in a new moon phase. Hiding. Recognizing I need illumination. Knowing I must start over, reassess, forgive, and love. The moon changes, but it never gives up.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.
Related Articles:
You Know You Need a Vacation When…
“You’re not my boss!” Oppositional Defiant Disorder
