I tend to catch myself doing a great deal of “bossy” parenting–giving direction and guidance and trying to shape my children’s behavior. As they get older, I have realized that where I really need to work is on letting go of the need to “parent” and sharing with my children how proud I am and how much I really do admire them.
It seems to be human nature that the closer people are to us and the more attached and the more we care, the more likely we are to focus on flaws and problems. I am NOT sure what this about or why we feel so compelled to teach and educate our children, spouses, best friends, etc. all the time. In reality, I think we all get enough of that from the world at large and what we could really use from those closest to us is a little unconditional appreciation and admiration.
To be honest, I have to admit that I did have preconceived notions about what my children would be like. All those years ago when I set out on parenthood, and at the birth of each baby, I know that I had dreams and ideas about what their lives would be like and who they would become. In reality, they have become their own people completely–some of it I saw and predicted and some of it I didn’t. They are definitely not mini versions of me and have exposed me to different ways of seeing the world and doing things. As they strike out into the world, I think they need to hear more from me about how much I admire and appreciate them as unique individuals. This means squelching my panic about whether I’m teaching and telling them everything they need to know to carry them into adulthood (or, as I often say, “in case I get hit by a bus”) and letting some of my unbridled admiration show. I do need to tell my kids how fabulous I think they are and how proud I am of them–not just of the things I approve of or the character traits I hoped they’d develop–but also of the risks they take, their courage, kindness, etc.
See Also: Focusing on Problems or Solutions
Do Your Actions Match Your Words?