How often have you heard that the key to good relations is communication? Still, communication can be sort of a vague, challenging term—especially when it comes to family relations. We are so entwined and involved with our children that communication can get messy and complicated. One way to make sure that things aren’t getting dysfunctional and elusive, is to actually make sure to state problems and issues out loud and in as clear and “uncharged” language as possible.
I think we can really get into trouble when we just expect our family members to “know” what is bothering us. We think that we’ve certainly told them before, or that they should see that we are aggravated or upset and adjust themselves accordingly. But, the fact is, they might NOT know why we are crabby and letting things smolder only makes them worse.
It is also important to claim the problems and issues as we state them out loud: “I am angry because I’ve walked into a dirty kitchen the past two mornings. I don’t appreciate finding a mess in the sink when I get up.” The exact problem has been stated, as well as the issue claimed by the person making the complaint. I have to acknowledge that I am defining this as a problem (the messy kids may not see it as a problem at all!), but unless I say it aloud, no one will know and I will smolder with resentment—which will likely come out in some other inappropriate way.
Even if you think that you have stated something out loud once, and once should be enough—it very well might NOT be. There is nothing wrong with stating problems and issues out loud repeatedly—if they are repeatedly happening and not being resolved. As any of us with children know, sometimes it takes several times before a lesson or statement sinks in. The trick is to state the problems in a way that does not come across as nagging—claiming the problem as your own and not blaming or being passive aggressive helps.
See Also: Monday Morning Parenting Tips
Setting Limits Without Causing Resentments
How Important is it to Keep the Peace?