I think that the sibling relationship is dynamic—it is ever-changing and evolving. I’ve certainly seen how my kids have morphed and changed with each other over they years and shifted alliances at various times. Watching them now, as three high-school-age teenagers, each in a different grade, I can really see the strength of the bond playing out, but I can also see just how love-hate sibling relationships can be.
If the teenage years are all about the search for identity, when you’ve got a family full of kids all very close in age, part of that self-identification comes from resisting and reacting to your siblings. You just can’t help it. If one of them claims the “brain” role, than another will claim the “athlete” or the “artist” or the rebel. And, as kids grow up and change and try on different identitifyers, it seems to push the others into new directions too. It’s dynamic.
My kids really do “get” each other and I think that is a gift. I’ll come down into the kitchen or living room and they will be having one of their late-night gab-fests and I know that they truly understand and are able to offer each other empathy about all the “big” things—friends, dating, school, etc. Even if they are each choosing different directions, they know the same kids and teachers and are able to commiserate and brainstorm with each other. These can be times when I see the most love and understanding.
I also notice that my kids express and take out emotions on each other that they can’t on anyone else. When the anger and hateful words fly—they are generally coming from one sibling and directed at another. Often, it seems like the reaction is out of proportion, but when I take into account that their siblings are their safest targets, I can see why (this doesn’t make it okay, of course) and they all three seem to forgive and forget with amazing speed (I wish I could learn some of this!).
They need to be different from each other, but they also need the empathy, understanding, history and closeness that sibling relationships afford. All in all, I think my kids are grateful they have each other, but they’re still all out to proof they aren’t like their brother or their sisters!
Also: Strong Sibling Bonds