There is no denying that divorce can complicate a family. As you probably know by now, I don’t necessarily think this is always a bad thing, sometimes it can add some wonderful new dimensions to a family (not to mention, new extended family members and intended “family”)–but there might not be anything (after the initial break-up, custody and money issues) that is a more slippery slope that adding in a new step parent.
I think I should confess to you all that I have never played the role of step-parent but I would actually love the opportunity. Since I’ve been on all the other sides of the situation (the child of a step-parent, a divorced single mom, and the mom of kids who’s dad has re-partnered), I’d love the chance to apply all I’ve learned and see what sort of a step-parent I could be. I think it must be one of the hardest jobs in the world since folks seem to have such a hard time of it. That said, this article is really about how a parent can cope and respond when her kids are complaining and have issues with a step-parent.
It will depend, of course, whether the step-parent is your partner, or your ex-spouse’s. When it is your chosen partner and it is obvious that your kids are having issues with the person, you will undoubtedly feel tugged and torn and stretched out in the middle. The toughest thing can be to try to get an objective perspective and be loyal to both your children and the new partner/step-parent. It might help to let a trusted friend in to help you see if your kids have valid complaint, or to help you to get an accurate, unbiased picture of what is going on. The reality is that single parents develop rather close bonds with their kids and we feel protective, but we may also feel the need to be loyal with a new partner. We want to be a united front and we may be so relived to have someone to co-parent with that we want to just let the kids and the step-parent work it out for themselves. BUT, we’re still the parent and, as unromantic as it seems, we also have to be a parent first and a partner second–this doesn’t mean we don’t make a relationship a priority, but we do need to take our kids’ complaints and concerns to heart and try to decipher what is really going on.
As a rule, you really should listen, reassure and take complaints seriously–but NOT overreact. (I know, could anything be harder?!) Doing things together as a family and facilitating increased trust between the kids and the step-parent can help–plus, you’ll get the opportunity to see how they interact together in your presence. Sometimes, the complaints can stem from the process of getting to know each other. If children complain of physical or sexual abuse, or anything that seems inappropriate to you–you must take immediate action and get help. This is one time when the kids must come first regardless.
Also: When Your Ex Re-marries