Shame is all about controlling—controlling emotions and behavior. We can fall into feeling shameful ourselves, or as parents we may resort to using shame or guilt to try to control our children. Shame is a vicious cycle and we can get stuck and trapped using shame and feeling shameful in our family life.
The opposite of shame is acceptance (either of self or of others) and love and nurturing behaviors. Shame can be so sneaky and compulsive that we use it, feel it and access shameful feelings without even realizing it. The next thing we know, we feel badly, our children feel badly and all we know is we are not feeling loving and positive.
When we say things to our children like: “I’m so ashamed and disappointed in you; How could you do this to me?; Don’t you have any pride?” etc. we are passing on shame. Shame feels icky and it has a tendency to stick with us for a long time. Shame-based behaviors are addictive, compulsive behaviors, and feeling shameful about ourselves can keep us from being strong, healthy, risk-taking individuals. Of course, most of us would be horrified to think that we are keeping our children from feeling good about themselves—but passing on guilt and shame can do just that.
Shame is one of those things that needs to be rooted out and eliminated if we are to keep from passing it on to our kids. Working on your own shame issues will have a lasting effect not only on your own self-esteem, but on the confidence of your children. Trying to control our children by making them feel bad or guilty may cause temporary compliance, but the long-term effects are damaging. Keep in mind that the opposite of shame is acceptance and unconditional love. When in doubt, lay off the guilt and shame and go for coping mechanisms.
Also: Create a Positive Home Environment