I don’t know how many times I have heard of single parents who “send off” a child when he or she gets to be an adolescent or teenager to the other parent because of behavior issues. How often have we heard someone say “I can’t handle him/her, maybe the mother/father can straighten him out!” Parenting an adolescent can be challenging whether you are a single parent or not–but sending him or her off and banishing him to the other parent’s house seldom makes things better.
Now, I am definitely an advocate of co-parenting and sharing responsibility with your child’s other parent when you can. As the parent of three strong-willed, older teens, there have been some pretty tense periods when my children’s father and I have had to spend a lot of time together working on issues that came up with our kids. But using language like “I’m sending you to your father’s house” or “You take her, I can’t do a thing with her!” sends several negative messages that only make things worse.
First, sending a child off undermines your authority and sends the child the message that you are not in charge. Even when a child has two parents, he needs to know that whichever parent he is with has full authority and responsibility. In a two-parent home, parents can often share and “pass off” responsibility but for a single parent, we really need to have complete autonomy and complete authority when our child is with us. Secondly, “banishing” a child to the other house also creates confusion in terms of belonging. If a child has already been sharing custody between two homes, why should one home become the “punishment” home? Also, it sets it up so that the child may see one parent as abandoning and the other as rescuing. A child shouldn’t feel unwanted or uncared for by either parent.
The adolescent and teenage years can be tough–ask any parent who has been through them. It doesn’t really matter whether you are a single parent or part of a two-parent home. And, just because you have that “out” to send a child off to another parent’s house when he or she becomes challenging–doesn’t mean it is the best thing or a healthy choice for the child, for you as a parent, or for your family.
Also: Exhaustion Impairs Clarity
When a Child Gets Angry or Upset at the Other Parent