The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves. ~-William Penn-~
Are you a jealous person? I am. Or used to be more frequently than I am now. For the last ten years or so I’ve been in a recovery program of sorts. Not one associated with any particular group. Just one devised by applying wisdom I’ve stumbled across in regards to my problem.
Because jealousy is a problem. Or can be, if left unchecked. Once upon a time, back when Wayne and I were first dating, I didn’t check my jealousy very much at all. I let it control me, consume me, and otherwise torment me as William Penn’s quote so succinctly summed it up.
Back then there were a lot of external issues that helped fuel my jealous rages. The major one being I never felt loved by my parents. They did love me, make no mistake about that. The problem was I’m a very sensitive sort. My parents weren’t the doting kind. Add to it that they had me late in life. (They were nearly 40, which nowadays isn’t so uncommon, but back in 1970 it was the exception not the rule.) It wouldn’t have been so bad if they hadn’t frequently made it known what an accident I’d been and how much I had changed their lives. (And not necessarily for the better.)
When they got a divorce in 1979, I felt the heat. They never said it was my fault, and I knew it wasn’t. They weren’t compatible in all the ways needed to have a marriage last a lifetime. No, I felt the heat because now they were busy trying to get on with their own lives, but I was a part of the life they’d once shared. I felt like a burden and at times more unwanted and out of place than ever.
It was a classic set up for why I fell so hard, so deeply, and so quickly for Wayne. He was very generous with his love and he wanted to lavish it all on me. I’d never been the recipient of so much undivided attention and I ate it up.
But when Wayne wanted to show attention elsewhere, I’d go ballistic. And I’m not necessarily talking about flirting with other girls or anything of that nature. No, I’d get jealous if he wanted to do something as innocuous as hanging out at the record store with his brother, or going out to eat with friends after work.
I look back now and shudder remembering how nuts I’d get about such trivial things. Yet, Wayne stuck by me. He’s not necessarily the doting type either, but in his own way he held my hand, nursed my insecurities, and offered comfort while I learned to love myself.
Because an enormous part of overcoming jealousy issues is about loving yourself and feeling deserving of that love. I often tease Wayne about his lack of patience these days (which he truly is short of most times anymore), but as I write this I have to wonder if he didn’t use it all up on me. There were times my jealousy could have been a deal breaker for our relationship, that’s how irrational and out of control I’d get.
But it wasn’t. Thankfully. Due in large part to Wayne’s generous heart, yes, but also due to my own, which I’ve come to learn is worthy of all the love that flows to it.
Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point – that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative – self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it’s a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~-Jennifer James-~
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