Last week I sent invitations to friends to become Amazon Friends and Shelfari Friends. One invite went to a writer friend I hadn’t talked to in a couple of weeks. We had the usual “How’re things?” chat, in which she mentioned she was having a less than stellar day. I asked if everything was okay and offered an ear if she needed it.
Well, she took me up on it, and for the past few days we’ve had an interesting exchange. I was shocked to learn this beautiful and talented woman (who has asked I please keep her identity anonymous, but who I’ll give the alias Stella – as in “Steller” except with some ‘tude to it) was not living the glamorous life I assumed she was.
Despite the fact that her first book was released earlier this year, she had finished a couple of others, and she was meeting with some success in her writing career, things in her personal life –specifically her marriage—were glum.
The Problem
Stella confided in me that her hubby has a tendency to get too chummy with members of the opposite sex. In particular, “young, blond girls half his age.”
It’s a pattern Stella’s seen throughout their relationship and has semi-tolerated in the past, but the newest gal-pal opened a can of worms. As Stella and her hubby were getting smoothies the other day, the gal pal texted him six times.
Stella’s Reaction
Stella felt that was a bit much. She addressed the issue, not just because of the texts, but because:
(a) he also spends two to three weekends away from home with friends (among whom the gal pal is one);
(b) they hang out not only during work, but after too;
(c) he’s told Stella that she’s not the kind of woman he truly wants –if she was younger, thinner, blond and not as bright she’d be warmer; and
(d) ever since the birth of their child four years ago, intimacy and “them” time is gone (he prefers hanging out with his friends on weekends and leaving Stella home alone with their daughter).
She asked him to break it off entirely with the gal pal and start paying her and their marriage more attention.
The Husband’s Reaction
He said he would absolutely not break it off with the gal pal. He might scale it back some, but Stella had no right to tell him who he could hang out with.
He did concede that he sees a pattern and he does have a tendency to be drawn to younger, prettier women and flirt maybe more than he should, but it’s because it strokes his ego.
Stella can understand this to a degree. Who doesn’t like feeling desirable? But it should be her job, not someone else’s, and if she’s not doing that for him then what’s the point?
Where They Stand Now
Today I heard from Stella and she said it actually got worse over the weekend before there were signs of improvement.
In an effort to reconnect, she hired a sitter and made reservations at a nice restaurant for the two of them to celebrate his birthday. At first he was psyched about it and more than willing, then some other plan came up and he wanted to just be with his friends and have some time to himself.
Another fight ensued, but they did end up not only having their date, but having a wonderful time.
Stella, however, is not sure what will happen next. For now he’s trying, but only time will tell if he’ll keep it up.
My First Reaction
I was stunned and couldn’t understand why she was trying to keep something going with a man who sounds completely self-centered and egotistical. I am so jealous that I’d never tolerate Wayne behaving like this.
And then having the audacity to get mad at me for demanding he respect our marriage by ending all communiqués with the gal pal? Forget it! I’d be out so fast it’d make the way the Tasmanian Devil spins look like slow-mo!
My Thoughts Now
But after considering it further, it sounds like Stella needs to understand her husband better. (Not be more understanding, mind you. She’s already more than enough of that.)
Stella’s hubby sounds as if he’s not fully mature and has ego issues. He likes to be desired. It also sounds like he likes the feelings of falling in love and is trying to recapture that with his “friendships.” Maybe he’s also stimulated by the unforbidden (because he did allude to the fact that he knows how he acts is inappropriate) liaisons too.
Ultimately, Stella can’t change him. She can only understand him. By doing that she can hopefully find a way to effectively communicate to him that his actions are hurtful.
Then the burden will fall on him to either assess what it is he really needs and how she can provide that, or he can leave his flaws in tact and further jeopardize –maybe even ultimately ruin— their marriage.
Your Thoughts?
I’m only one person and one viewpoint. Granted, you have limited information, but what would you suggest Stella do in this situation? What would you do?
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