I’ve written before about guilt and what an unproductive thing this can be for parents and families. But saying NOT to put guilt trips on our kids and use guilt as a motivator in our families is much easier to say than it is to do. In reality, sometimes we feel disappointed as parents. We might be disappointed in a choice our child has made, behaviors, or in the way things have turned out. What can we do with that disappointment to keep from dumping it all onto our child?
I’ve had friends tell me that the most painful thing their parents ever said or did to them when they were growing up was to tell them that they were a “disappointment”–this can have such lasting and far-reaching consequences but it can be really tough as a parent not to want our child to know when we feel that disappointment. Part of what happens when we feel extreme disappointment is that our own well-being and identity is too closely tied to our child. We feel like their choices and behaviors are a direct reflection on us. It is true that some of that comes from society, but we can choose to detach and remain compassionate without being enmeshed–it just takes work and practice.
We can express our disappointment too, but we can focus on the situation and on owning our disappointment instead of putting it all on the child. Instead of saying, “I’m so disappointed in you” we can say, “I feel disappointed by the way things have turned out. We’ll just have to make adjustments.” In the latter, you are expressing your disappointment as your own feeling and staying concerned, compassionate, but detached.
It also helps to get your disappointment “out” with a trusted friend or family member. Talking through things in a safe environment prior to talking with your child can help you to get things in perspective and keep the tendency to share guilt at bay. The truth is, our kids are going to make choices we don’t approve of, we might feel disappointed in the way things go as a parent, but we need to manage those feelings and not convert them to a guilt trip to add to our children’s baggage.