Question: I’ve heard you say a few times that you don’t allow your toddlers to talk back to you. At first, I thought you meant preschoolers but in one of your posts you even make mention of insisting that your 14 month old doesn’t say ‘no’ to you. How exactly do you accomplish this? I don’t mean to offend you, but you sound horribly strict.
If you haven’t yet read the first blog answering this question, you might want to do so before reading this one. In it, I explain why I think it’s so important for toddlers to learn that talking back and throwing tantrums is never acceptable. In this blog, I’ll explain how I ‘make’ them behave appropriately.
No Means No Means No Means No
The first trick in gaining a toddler’s cooperation is meaning what you say. Let me give you an example. Emily wants chocolate milk let’s say. I say no–not until lunch time. There is now nothing Emily can do to convince me otherwise. She can scream until she turns blue, she can jump up and down and go cross eyed. . .the answer was no, not until lunch time. And that is what I must mean. Consistently meaning what you say will teach your kids that your word is the final authority. Talking back and tantrums take a lot of effort, and if it’s not going to work, it will stop.
Giving Other Alternatives for Communication
One thing that we have found very helpful is giving our children alternatives. If for example I ask one of the twins to pick up her toys and she says ‘no’, I might get down at her eye level and say something like, “No is not an acceptable answer. I told you that you must pick up your toys and you must. But would you like mommy to help you?” Obviously this is a process, but eventually she learns that a) she will pick up her toys no matter what but that b) she can ask for help instead of being defiant. (After all, she is only 2 ½!)
Extending a Little Understanding
It’s still not okay to talk back, but golly gosh, I don’t like it when things don’t go my way either. I get irritated and flustered too when things aren’t happening the way I’d like them to. So when that happens to one of my toddlers, I can certainly understand being frustrated. When my girls are frustrated, I may get down on their level and say something like, “I understand. You’re having a bad day. I don’t like it when that happens to me either.” I haven’t given in to anything. I’ve merely stated that I get it. Does it always result in a compliant toddler–no of course not. But it does let her know that I’m on the same side and even more importantly, I have subtly expressed that I’m not interested in a power struggle.
I have received so many PM’s and comments on these toddler blogs that I have decided to continue to share some toddler discipline tricks. Keep looking for toddler discipline blogs this week and of course if you have any questions, situations that arise, or other ideas–let me know!