What single parent or adoptive parent hasn’t dreaded that “family tree” project that most elementary and/or middle school children have to do. If you have been through a divorce or remarried, or have a family that is built on adoption—the “family tree” assignments can be challenging, frustrating, and make a child feel like he or she is on the outside of the norm.
More and more families just don’t fit into the classic family tree mold. I know that in my own family, we have several divorces, several adoptions and partners who are not married. For children who may have more than two “parents” and more than two sets of grandparents—like mine—it can be a challenge to get everything to fit into the assignment mold. It is up to us as parents to step in and help our children to feel good about their expanded family tree—and often to advocate for our families with the schools and institutions that insist upon continuing this assignment.
With my own children, we just threw out the limiting form all together. When my eldest daughter was in elementary school, I helped her do a “book”—she had dividers for each “wing” of her family and then filled the sections with photos, stories, and diagrams of how the people in each wing were related to her. This made it a very valuable experience for her and instead of making her feel like she was a “freak” or an outsider, connecting everyone in her family to her gave her a sense of strength and belonging. She still has that book and it has a cherished spot next to her scrap books and photo albums. It was actually a big hit in the classroom too since it was obvious she went “above and beyond” the assignment and it was organized in a way that made sense.
Many children of divorced and blended families eventually come to feel a sense of strength and expansion from their family situations—as one of my children says, “It’s just more people to love and care about me!” But, as parents, we have to help them build that confidence and learn how to take an expanded view of the family tree.
Also: Sometimes It’s Tough Being Different
Controversy Over What Is a “Healthy” Family