Lately I’ve been thinking some thoughts which would be considered quite un-politically correct in the adoption world.
They refer to efforts by sending countries to reach out to international adoptees.
In the past, adoption has sometimes been a shameful thing. Unwed mothers are discriminated against in employment and socially; children are teased and discriminated against educationally. Yet women who relinquish children for adoption are condemned for “turning against their own flesh and blood”. I have met both immigrants and visitors who are surprised—shocked in fact–to learn that their home countries have fairly large and long-standing adoption programs sending children to this country.
Of course, it is good if citizens of the sending country can feel positively about adoptees. Perhaps they can be a resource for adoptive families to learn cultural heritage, perhaps they can influence policy to permit more children who cannot yet placed in country to be placed for adoption, perhaps they can influence more people in their home countries to adopt. Some adoptive family groups have formed alliances with local immigrant communities to share heritage events, although this has remained an awkward and elusive goal in many places.
Lately sending countries seem determined to reach out to adoptees. The book Cultures of Transnational Adoption contains an essay about a homeland tour of a group of young adult adoptees. In one site the local mayor held a ceremony giving them “keys to the city” and provided with non-legally binding identification cards as “citizens of the town”. Adoptees’ responses were mixed, ranging from happiness to discomfort.
More recently, one government official welcomed adoptees by saying, “you can be the bridge between our two countries” in an inspirational speech about how adoptees can contribute to cultural understanding and world peace.
Of course, it is good if sending countries can offer help to adoptees searching for medical or personal history information or for birthparents. In at least one country, adoption agencies and adoptee groups have had the support of local and national government units in establishing search registries, guesthouses for searching adoptees, and study programs offering courses in language and culture to adoptees.
Of course, it is helpful for our children to be welcomed to their place of origin and by persons who share their ethnic heritage. Of course they need to see that people are, and were, concerned about them. It is not healthy to feel that they were rejected by an entire country.
Now comes the un-politically correct part: in a way, they were rejected—if not by everyone in a society, then by policies and ingrained beliefs in that society. If they had not been adopted, they would face prejudice—whether as “illegitimates” in some societies or as poor people in class-conscious societies.
Making our kids feel valued is a good goal. But they will see through the charade if they are valued simply because they had a unique experience or, worse, because they are Americans, “a bridge between our countries”.
The way for sending countries to make our kids feel valued is to work to change conditions for the children left at home—children just like them.
Please see these related blogs:
Book Review: Cultures of Transnational Adoption
Celebrating Your Child’s Heritage