So many things in life are divided by a fine line–being aggressive and being assertive, for example. When it comes to parenting, there are countless behaviors and choices we make that can cross that line–authoritative can become pushy and tyrannical; concerned can become obsessively smothering; and encouraging our children can cross over and become demanding and overbearing.
So, how do we walk that line and keep our parenting comments helpful and not hurtful? How do we keep our own issues under control so that they don’t seep over onto our children? How do we keep our boundaries in tact? I think it takes practice and some healthy focus.
Encouragement is all about inspiring and promoting and supporting a child into taking chances, expanding their willingness and choices and giving them the boost they need to move forward in life. Too much of this and too intense of persistence in doing things the way we think they should and it becomes demanding. Being demanding is more of a command with urgency–we become enmeshed and want our children to do OUR bidding instead of our being encouraging of their own personal choices.
Sure, plenty of children need to be encouraged to try new things–go out for the soccer team or eat new foods, but we become rigidly insistent that they do things our way and it becomes obvious that we expect an exact return from them–we’ve crossed over into being a demanding parent instead of an encouraging and supportive one.
One way to keep yourself in check is to try to stay in touch with your motivation–are you focused on what is best for the child and letting the child guide you with his or her needs and interests? OR are you being driven by what you WANT the child to do or be? Is it more about your needs and wants than the child’s? If that is the case, you are probably not being encouraging, but are being demanding instead.
Also: Stay Open to New Insight
Sometimes Guidance Must be Subtle