Objectivity does not come naturally or easily for many of us. It can take time and personal work before we are able to look at something traumatic that has happened and see it from an objective perspective. For those of us who have become single parents through a separation, divorce, or death—the emotions and subjectivity can be so strong and compelling, that it takes a while before we can get to a more objective place. Objectivity is key to recovery and being able to get on with our lives, however.
Are you still harboring blame for your ex-spouse or others that is keeping you locked in the past? Does it look to you like he or she had all the faults and you were an innocent bystander or victim? Do you feel angry, hurt, or victimized when you think of past events? I do not mean to downplay the reality that some people are victims of spousal abuse or very traumatic events, but for most of us, there are lessons we can learn about our own behavior by trying to get more objective about how things have gone down.
If you are still thinking in terms of fault and blame, then you really haven’t reached an objective place yet. When we can look back at the way things were or relationships without placing blame and have processed the forgiveness both for the other party and for ourselves—then we can start to see things objectively. I think that this is when the final healing and the real lessons can be learned. We can then see what we might have done to contribute to things and make conscious decisions to do things differently in the future. That is when we can really grow and change and learn from our past challenges!
Also: In Control…or Controlling
Challenge Yourself to Be a Great Parent