If someone was to ask me what I thought a major “issue” is for single parent families, I would have to say that it has to do with identity. I know that people think of things like custody and finances when it comes to single parent families, but I think one of our major tasks—both as parents and as children—is to sort out a new and evolving identity for ourselves that jives with how our family is NOW…
We may have started out partnered or married, or thought of ourselves as part of a parenting team. Our children certainly had a different idea of who they were, who their family was and how they fit into the world. After a separation, divorce, or death, we have the challenge of rearranging our lives and coming up with a new understanding of our identity as individuals and as part of a different family unit.
For our children, they may now have two families where they once had one and their role may be quite different in each household. My children have a new “step-brother” when they are at their dad’s house so this has opened up a new role for them. For my son who has always been the youngest and the only boy—having another boy who is several years younger has been a bit jarring. It is bringing out different sides of him and forcing him to explore his identity in a different way.
As parents, we have to wrestle with identity too—many of us find ourselves learning how to do things we never had to before and taking on new roles and responsibilities. We may have never lived without a partner relationship or we may find ourselves in a different type of relationship than we have ever experienced. All of these changes and challenges can cause havoc on a person’s established identity!
This doesn’t have to be a bad thing, of course, and I have found that some incredible self-discovery and expansion can come from wrestling with our identities in this way. We may discover buried talents and our children also get a chance to find new sides to themselves in the process.
Also: The Joys and Challenges of Unique Experiences