For some strange reason, one of my daughters reminds me of my sister. She always has—at least since she was a toddler. It used to be that every once in a while I would even slip up and call her by my sister’s name. While I haven’t ever gotten down to the bottom of all the ways they remind me of each other, I have learned how to NOT let my past relationship and interactions with my sister affect how I deal with my daughter. It sounds easy and obvious enough, but it might be surprising how often we let our past relationships and life experiences influence how we interact with and parent our children today.
Many of us learn all sorts of coping behaviors and ideas from our past relationships—some are helpful but some are not. As a matter of fact, we can carry some pretty unhealthy belief systems with us into parenting that come from past experiences. There may also be some triggers—things our children do or say that remind us of someone else—that cause us to react to our children not as they are today, but as if they are someone else from our distant past.
It takes some self-awareness and some personal work to be able to separate past relationships and issues from our present parent-child relationships. We have to first acknowledge and realize what is happening, and learn to identify the triggers. We also have to learn how to let go of those past interactions in order to live in the present. It might help to remind yourself that it is best for the children—after all, why should a child have to “answer” for something someone else did long before they even came to be? On the flip side, we can also bring some really positive lessons and experiences to our parenting that we have learned from past relationships. We just have to sift through what is useful and what is not.
Also: Memories Can be Made at the Strangest Times
There is Nothing Like a Child to Remind You That You Don’t Know it All
Allowing Your Kids to Teach You