Families who decide to adopt an older child generally endure several hours of training about all the different risks, issues and disorders we may have to face once a child is placed in our home for adoption. We are offered lists of acronyms for every kind of problem any parent might face, along with pages of information about some of the special needs an older child may suffer.
Most of our family and friends are able to hold a straight face and agree to be a part of our Support System. A few people say foolish, uneducated, or ridiculous things that may leave us feeling isolated. It’s not talked about much, but not uncommon for adoptive parents to suffer Post Adoption Depression.
Often, by the time we are ready to have a child move into our home and become an adopted member of the family we are programmed to expect the worst and hope for the best. Understanding the known issues a child may have and careful review of the Disclosure Files don’t always prepare us for the difficult journey some adoptive parents of older children may face. We have learned about Transitions and we understand as much of the Termonology as we can possible remember. We understand the issues around Attachment, so we are ready right?
When we do have our children placed it takes a long time for everyone to adjust, and parents tend to be hyper-focused on every little issue or problem their child may suffer as a result of all the things that happened in their past. It can be hard to see all of the positives! It’s actually important to try and look for them.
I found three things that have been helpful in keeping track of the positives in our family:
- The Blessing Box, is an shoe box our family decorated and made a little slot on the top of the box. During the year when anything extra wonderful happens we write it down on a slip of paper and drop it in the box. At Thanksgiving the Blessing Box is opened after the meal, and the family takes turn reading the slips we dropped in during the year.
- The Dinner Ritual, Since routine is so important for older adopted children we include a time during dinner to talk about three good things about the day. Sometimes we say three great things about someone else at the table. Sometimes we take turns and say three great things about ourselves. It doesn’t matter what the topic is, we find at least three positive things to add.
- Mom’s Journal, I have always kept journals, often I will start a new one when my life is in some kind of Transition. When we started our journey to adopt special needs older siblings from the foster care system I started a new journal. It has been just about five years, since we started our adoption process and all the ups and downs are written in my own special spot. Keeping a journal has been a very positive experience, if for no other reason then the fact that I can actually see how much better our whole family is doing.
It’s important to keep a positive outlook when becoming the adoptive parents of an older child, the road can be long and bumpy and there may be times when a positive attitude is the only hope a parent feels they have left.
For more information about adopting an older, waiting or special needs child, you may be interested in visiting the Child Welfare Information Gateway. This is a federally funded site offering information about all types of adoption and adoption related issues. Please feel free to post in the Adoption Forum at Families.com
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For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.