I know in my head that my older teens need to have control over their environment and they need space and autonomy in many areas of their lives. I can talk about it and believe in “theory” that it is a very good thing. But, last night when my middle daughter informed me that she was going to be rearranging her bedroom and it involved putting the bed “in the closet” and other creative ideas—I not only balked, I tried very hard to put a stop to the whole endeavor.
I tell you it was an absolute hair-trigger response. I didn’t want to negotiate or talk it over with her; I just immediately pictured the huge mess of the redecoration, as well as worrying that any permanent damage might be done to closet doors or shelves. “Where on earth are you going to put your clothes?” I asked. She answered that there were plenty of drawers and cupboards in her bathroom and that was where she dressed anyway. I didn’t want to be calm and I certainly wanted her seventeen-year-old self to take my big, fat “NO” as an answer. Alas, negotiation ensued.
I want them to experience autonomy and I remember how important it was for me at that age to have control and say over my environment, I really do. But why does it have to come at the expense of MY control and say over MY environment? When my daughter says “But, it is MY room!” I totally “get” where she is coming from—but I am thinking, “It’s MY house!” I understand that they want to choose their own bedding and experiment with their style and taste—my daughter actually used the word “style” in her argument, but right now I prefer my younger son’s way—he’s still using the bedding I chose and has the lovely painted lion print still hanging on his wall even though it is clearly not so hip for a fifteen-going-on-sixteen-year-old. He just hasn’t expressed a desire to shape his own “space” yet but I’m sure that will come too.
Do I REALLY want to give them autonomy over their space? Intellectually, yes. I DO want to be a progressive, encouraging and supportive mom. But in actuality, I want to control my domain that I work so darn hard to support and keep clean too!
Image by: mydecorative.com
Also: Practicing What I Preach
Do Teens’ Messes Ruin My Home’s Feng Shui?
Kids Rooms–Scary Places or Comfy Spaces?